


A series of unfortunate events - A murder mystery

by Theweirdslingshot



Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: Gen, I hope not for threats, Multi, So many deaths, let's go you guys, so many characters - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2020-10-25 00:08:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 31,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20714825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theweirdslingshot/pseuds/Theweirdslingshot
Summary: The duchess of Winnipeg had invited a big deal of her friends and family to stay at her big mansion. Unfortunately, one after one mysteriously starts to die...





	1. Someone just... dies?

_Hello dear associates, family and friends!_

_These very fine days, I would like to invite you to my big mansion in Winnipeg. We will have great dinners where we will discuss new ways to cook. We will sleep in beds nice as they can be, and you’re allowed to switch beds if you so wish! During the days, we will read new books in the great library, train our various skills in the backyard and perhaps have some interesting conversations!_   
_ You are very welcome if you are a part of the family of Baudelaire, Quagmire, Montgomery, Anwhistle, Squalor, Widdershins, Snicket or even Caliban! Bonus points if you happen to be a part of multiple!_   
_ Any other family will have to call first._   
_ I hope to see as many guests as possible! See you soon!_

_R, the duchess of Winnipeg_

This day, there was a lot of cars driving in the same direction. They wouldn’t know before they reached their destination that all of them were heading to a mansion in Winnipeg. Every one of them were happy, as they would spend the next two weeks in this wonderful home. None of them would know about the sorrows, the hardships, and the complete mystery surrounding a series of murders that would occur sooner than expected.

One by one, the cars stopped outside the large mansion. In the first car was the Baudelaire family. The mother, Beatrice Baudelaire, was the first one to get out. She went to the back of the car and opened the car booth, to take out some suitcases. She then knocked on the windows on the left backseat door. Immediately, three heads bobbed up. They looked at their mother with tired faces and seemed to groan. Bertrand Baudelaire, who was the father of the family, and the one who drove there, went out and opened the right backseat door. He then buckled up the seatbelts of the youngest of his children, Sunny Baudelaire. Sunny was very cranky, because she had slept most of the way there and hated to be woken up. She also most likely needed a diaper change, which didn’t help her get any happier. Lastly, the two older siblings, Violet and Klaus Baudelaire slowly went out of the car. Violet mumbled something, in which her mother as a response gave her a glare and tossed a suitcase to her. Klaus on the other hand just stood there, tired and confused of what he was going to carry out from the car.

In the next car sat the Quagmire family. It took some minutes before they went outside the car, but soon enough Mr and Mrs. Quagmire slowly got out. Their three children, Duncan, Quigley and Isadora, however seemed to refuse to get out. Their mother opened a backseat door and started to quietly, but kind of angrily, tell them to get out. She also looked at her husband, who just stood there and did nothing, to help her get their children out. But Duncan, Quigley and Isadora soon enough saw the Baudelaire children and eagerly ran out of the car to say hi to them. Their mother yelled at them to grab a suitcase, but the Quagmire triplets were far too busy to run up to the Baudelaires to give them hugs. The Violet and Klaus thought the same thing and tossed the things they were carrying to run to the Quagmires. All five of them met in a big group hug and danced around happily. Sunny wanted to be included too, but she was carried by her father, who didn’t let her go anywhere.

In the next car was Montgomery Montgomery. He had not much more than his one suitcase and a book about reptiles. He greeted the Quagmires and the Baudelaires with a smile. He then proceeded to give all the children present some chocolate. The Baudelaire children said thank you and smiled as they took the chocolate, while the Quagmire triplets just took the chocolate and smiled. Their mother tried to push them to say, "Thank you", but they just gave her teasing glares as a response. However, as their mother turned away, Duncan whispered a thank you to Montgomery. Montgomery smiled, knowing the Quagmires really were well raised. They were just mischievous. And probably, their mother had angered them for something previously.

After Montgomery, Josephine Anwhistle arrived in her car. As she greeted and hugged everyone, she nervously looked around. Then she started to dig through her car to see if there weren’t any "dangerous" things around. The children laughed at her for being so anxious of everything, while the adults just sighed.

Next to Josephine came the Squalors, in their fancy limousine. Jerome Squalor, who was the husband, quickly ran out and opened the door for his wife Esme. She didn’t even thank him and instead just walked away without even grabbing anything to carry. Jerome was just about to close the door when he was met by a scream. Smashing the door open again was a girl a little younger than the Baudelaires and Quagmires (except for Sunny Baudelaire – everyone was far older than Sunny). She stepped on Jerome’s foot. Jerome let out a scream as the girl tap danced her way to Esme. The other children sighed. This girl was named Carmelita Spats and lived with the Squalors. It was because her real parents were very busy people, even though the Quagmires were certain they just didn’t want to take care of that brat anymore. Whatever was the reason, Carmelita was always treated like a princess. No, not even a princess would be so rotten as she was. Carmelita wasn’t even invited, but she must’ve come anyway. Guess she was just a "part" of the Squalors.

Then, there was the Widdershins. Captain Widdershins, who refused to be called by any name besides that, happily got out of the car. He even slammed the door in the face of his stepson Fernald. Fernald Widdershins sighed. He and his sister Fiona went outside and started to get all their suitcases. It was very hard for Fernald, because he had lost both of his hands and now had hooks instead. It also didn’t help that Captain Widdershins had at least five heavy suitcases all by himself, which he didn’t even help his children to carry. They had been smart and only packed one small suitcase each. They couldn’t even greet the others because they had to carry their irresponsible stepfather’s luggage.

The penultimate guests were the Snicket siblings. Three siblings who even as adults always were up to trouble. Jacques Snicket was the one to drive, mostly because he was the safest driver of them all. His twin sister, Kit, had insisted on driving because she "would make them get there faster", and had complained about it all the way to Winnipeg. Both Kit and Jacques went out of the car and Kit continued to bicker and complain. The twins younger brother Lemony got out of the car too, with his small portfolio and an even smaller suitcase. Jacques tried to carry his portfolio, but Lemony dragged it back, telling him it was a typewriter inside. Jacques then offered to carry any of Kit’s stuff, but Kit absolutely refused. She said because she wasn’t allowed to drive, she would at least carry her own luggage. Although, she was in a condition where help probably was very much needed. She was tired, and pregnant. The father of the child was unknown, and only Kit knew. But she refused to tell anyone.

The last family to arrive were the Calibans. Of all the families arriving, the Calibans were probably the calmest. Thursday Caliban hugged his wife Miranda and then tossed their daughter Friday in the air. Friday laughed as her father swung her around. Thursday’s sister Olivia had come too and was unpacking all their bags from the car. The whole family divided the bags up for all of them to carry and then went to greet all the others.

"Welcome!" the Duchess of Winnipeg said happily. "I’m so glad everyone could make it!"  
"I’m glad to be here." Beatrice responded, rocking Sunny around. Bertrand gave his wife a little teasing, but also a little jealous glare.

R started to hug or shake hands with all the guests.

"Father?" Friday asked as they walked into the house, "What's the duchess name?"  
"It's R, sweetie." Thursday answered.  
"But what's her real name?"  
"R."  
"It can't just be R!" Friday protested.  
"The duchess of Winnipeg wants to be called R, so we call her that. Okay, Friday?"  
"Okay, father."

Every family had their own room they were supposed to stay in. The Baudelaire and Quagmire children ran around and begged their parents to sleep in a room together, Their parents disagreed, meaning that everyone should sleep with their families. The Snickets ran wildly into their room and threw themselves on the nearest bed, and jokingly started to fight about it. Captain Widdershins was once again a bitch and took the largest bed that was meant for two, making Fiona and Fernald share a smaller bed. The Squalors was mostly the same. Esme pushed Jerome out of the double bed, and insisted Carmelita should share it with her. Carmelita protested, saying she should have the bed _all by herself_. Esme decided they would discuss it later.

It was time for dinner. R had gone a little overboard, and cooked a lot, and I mean a LOT of food. On the table, there was anchovies, beef, chicken, dried herring, escargot, fried potatoes, gravy, hummus, kimchi, lamb, mussels, nachos, oatmeal, pancakes, quesadilla, roast goose, sausages, tarts, vegetarian stew, waffles, yorkshire pudding and zabaglione. She tried to make every letter in the alphabet, but nobody is perfect.

"Bon appetit!" R announced. Her guests eagerly started to take the food.

After everyone had taken the food they preffered, small talk was starting around the table.

"So what has everyone been up to?" R asked, "I want to hear from everyone! I myself just started to teach archery to troublesome toddlers. They have to take out their aggression somehow."

"I have trained some bats to squeak Mozart's fifth symphony." Beatrice announced.  
"Some friends of mine have helped me cooking pasta without burning it." Bertrand admitted.  
"Finster!" Sunny shrieked, which meant "I've been potty training, but I have a long way to go."  
"I have recently been very interested in journalists from the 19th century." Klaus said in a quiet tone, as he was blushing when he said it.  
"I just started a research of Tove Jansson's private life." Violet said proudly, as she was very interested in what she found.

"My family and I have started going to group therapy." Mrs. Quagmire groaned.  
"And I think there's nothing we have to go to therapy for." Mr. Quagmire added.  
"And _I _just think mother is overreacting of everything we do." Quigley muttered.  
"_I_ just want mother AND father to know i'm _not _interested in the neighbour boy." Isadora yelled, "Actually, i'm-"  
"I think I want to sleep with Klaus tonight instead of with my family!" Duncan yelled, interrupting his sister

"Well, I have studied snakes and stuff." Monty said, feeling a little awkward after the Quagmire family's tension.  
"And I have found a safer way to brush my teeth." Josephine announced, feeling just as awkward.

"I have actually done something very interesting." Jerome said, clueless and naive. "I-"  
"Nobody cares, honey." Esme interrupted. "Well, I have hosted a marvelous cocktail party."  
"And I have been tapdancing at that party!" Carmelita giggled.

"Aye!" Captain Widdershins screamed, "I have fixed up my submarine! It now works much better!"  
"And I have actually been fixing all the things." Fiona sighed.  
"And I have served ice cream to my stepfather." Fernald said, sighing just as much. "When he sits in his little chair watching Fiona doing all the work."

"I've been driving my taxi." Jacques chuckled.  
"I've been pregnant." Kit said.  
"I have added some more definitions to words to the wordbook i'm writing." Lemony announced.

"I have been spending time with my family." Thursday said.  
"I have been spending time with my family." Miranda said.  
"I have been spending time with my family." Friday said.  
"I have been spending time with my family." Olivia said.

The rest of the dinner went on oddly smoothly.   
R chatted with Thursday, Beatrice, Bertrand and Monty about how to prevent forest fires.   
Josephine had a conversation with Olivia about whether or not fortune telling is dangerous.  
Klaus and Duncan had a quiet conversation, where they tried to read each others lips, as they were too far from each other to talk privately.  
Sunny, Violet and Isadora was plotting on putting a "kick me" note on Mr and Mrs Quagmire's back.  
Quigley was going to distract them while the girls sneakily were going to put the notes on them.  
Mr and Mrs Quagmire just ate their food quietly in a very passive aggressive manner.  
Carmelita was about to snitch on the Quagelaire pranksters.  
Fiona and Fernald was about to stop her, while they themselves wanted to pull some prank on their own stepfather.  
Captain Widdershins and Esme both tried to talk about themselves, and constantly interrupted each other to talk about themselves.  
Jerome had a conversation with Miranda and Friday about how often you should water plants.

Suddenly, R was smashing her fork against her glass to get everyones attention.

"It seems like everyone is having a great time!"  
"Absolutely." Isadora whispered sarcastically to Violet, who giggled.  
"I just want to remind you that we don't have any waiters or waitresses, so everyone is going to have to clean up after themselves." R explained.  
"No henchfolk?" Carmelita complained, "What kind of mansion is this?"  
"It's a mansion where we help each other to keep it pleasant." R said. "I mean, all of you will practically live here for two weeks. You have a responsibility to keep it clean."  
"I am an expert of cleaning!" Friday said proudly, making everyone chuckle except for Esme and Carmelita, who just thought she was a silly and boring child.

"Remember that, _honey_." Mrs. Quagmire growled at her husband.  
"What is it now?" Mr Quagmire groaned.  
"Oh, nothing. Just that you always seem to not clean up anything after yourself."  
"What are you talking about?"  
"The kids are taking after you!"  
"And we are proud of it!" Isadora protested.  
"Isadora, this is a grownup conversation." Mrs Quagmire said strictly.  
"Hypocrite." Sunny said, which meant "Even I, an infant, can see this is not a grownup conversation."

"Okay..." R said, "I think it's time for all of us to get to bed. We all had a long day. Just put all your dirty dishes in my dishwasher, and we'll get ready to sleep."

While everyone was getting ready for bed, the unfortunate thing started to happen.

While Duncan and Klaus held hands up the stairs, begging their parents to let them sleep together and getting a repeated "no", the unfortunate thing was just minutes away.  
While Quigley and Violet had a private conversation in a closet, where no one else could hear them, unless they eavesdropped like Isadora and Fiona, the unfortunate thing was coming closer.  
While Mrs. Quagmire was complaining about Mr. Quagmire brushing his teeth too slowly, the unfortunate thing was only a matter of time.  
While Carmelita jumped into the double bed, forcing Esme and Jerome to share the smaller bed, and Esme kicking Jerome from that bed, forcing Jerome to sleep on the floor, the unfortunate thing was just around the corner.  
While Captain Widdershins was telling Friday and Sunny about his marvelous adventures as if it was some kind of bedtime story, and both Friday and Sunny's parents trying to push them away from him, the unfortunate thing was slowly spreading.  
While the Snicket siblings walked around and acted just like Snicket siblings does, the unfortunate thing could be felt inside the walls.  
While Olivia, Josephine and Monty had a little laugh about how much all the children had grown, the unfortunate thing was soon going to be noticed.  
And while R and Fernald was chatting about how Fernald's hooks worked, the unfortunate thing happened.

"Honey!" Mrs. Quagmire yelled. "How long is brushing your teeth going to take? How lazy can someone be?"  
No response.  
"Are you giving me the silent treatment? Very mature!"  
Still no response.   
"Come on! Do I have to come in there? What are you doing? I'll give you one minute!"

After 1 minute of nothing, mrs. Quagmire sighed. She slowly opened the door.

"I tried to respect your privacy, but-"

She was met with shock.

On the floor lied her husband, in some kind of sleeping state.

"Honey, did you seriously pass out on the bathroom floor?"

She bent down and started to slap him on the cheek to wake him up. That's when she realised that she didn't hear him breathing.

"Mom?" Duncan asked, walking into the room, "I really want to sleep with Kla- Wow, what happened to dad?"  
"Your father is fine, he just-"  
"He looks pretty fucking dead." Quigley said, who also walked into the room.  
"Quigley, don't joke about that!" his mother yelled. "He is just... sleeping."  
"Mom." Quigley said. "When you are dead, you often release all of-"  
"Okay! I see, i see."

Isadora, who had been at the door to the room, where she and Violet had talked a little, walked forward to see what her family looked at. Then, she said in an oddly neutral tone.

"So father just... died?"


	2. The dart that maybe went in the wrong direction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After mr. Quagmire mysteriously died, R wanted to cheer everyone up with some dart...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter sounded better in my head than how it actually turned out.

Yesterday was a tragedy, as Mr Quagmire just died from unknown causes. Atleast, that's what most people thought. The Quagmire triplets were pretty sad they had to leave early because of their father, but then R begged mrs. Quagmire to stay.

"Please." R said, "You need to think about something else. Do you rather want to drive home in grief, when all your friends and family are here to support you?"

Mrs. Quagmire sighed. "Okay. I'll do it for my children. I can't handle three grieving children on my own anyway."

The Quagmire triplets cheered.

"Can we sleep with the Baudelaires, then?" Quigley asked.  
"No." their mother said. "We have to stick together as a family."  
"But I can sleep better if Klaus lies next to me!" Duncan protested.  
"I know Klaus is your best friend, but we need to be together tonight."  
"Do you think Klaus and Duncan just are best friends?" Isadora chuckled.  
"This is no laughing matter, Isadora!" her mother yelled.  
"What, so I can't sleep with Violet because you also think we are just best friends?"  
"I loved sleeping next to my best friend too, but Quigley also wants to sleep with her, and Quigley, I know you have a crush on her, but I don't want any accidents to happen between you two..."  
"Excuse me?" Quigley said. "What? What the fuck?"  
"Since you used that kind of language you're definetly not going to sleep with the Baudelaires tonight!" Mrs. Quagmire growled.

And so, everyone went to bed. The Quagmire children tried to make a plan to sneak over to the Baudelaires, but they fell asleep beforehand. They had just lost their father, but they somehow felt less grief than they should, which made them feel bad for not getting sad.

I have to say that everyone in the house slept very poorly.  
Sunny had trouble sleeping, which meant everyone else in the room with her also had trouble sleeping.  
Montgomery Montgomery had nightmares about his reptiles at home getting poisoned.  
Josephine started to worry about falling out of her bed in her sleep, despite her not having done that in a decade.  
Jerome Squalor, who slept on the floor, couldn't sleep because of it. But not Esme, or even Carmelita who had the biggest bed, could sleep so well.  
Captain Widdershins _could _sleep, but even if he snored so loud that his stepchildren couldn't sleep, he still had an anxious snore.  
The Snicket siblings decided to huddle together in one bed to keep each other comfort. It was hard though, because of Kit's pregnant belly.  
Friday slept between her parents, but still cried slowly in her sleep. Her aunt Olivia lied in the bed next to the others and just stared into space.

The next day came and everyone slowly got up. They tried their best to move on with this new day. R had talked to all the adults in the house, and they decided to make breakfast for mrs. Quagmire and all the children (and also for themselves, of course). Every adult helped, except for Captain Widdershins who still was a piece of shit. Mrs. Quagmire tried to help, but R said she deserved to be served food rather than cooking it herself now that her husband has died.

"Hey." R said, "How about we'll do some archery today? For old times sake!"  
"Archery sounds very fun!" Bertrand said, "I haven't done that since Beatrice was pregnant with Violet."  
"You shot the apple right at my belly!" Beatrice smirked.  
"What the fuck?" Violet whispered.  
"Can we do some archery too?" Quigley asked, "I think I need to distract myself from... everything."  
"You will _not _do any archery!" his mother complained.  
"But mom!" Quigley said and looked around. "V-Violet can..."  
"Actually." Beatrice said, "Violet can not. I agree with your mother, Quigley, archery is not something for kids."  
"But if you want, you can throw some darts!" R suggested.

All the children wanted to try out darts, even little Sunny, who barely could hold her own spoon. R happily accepted tutoring them, as she knew darts was a good distraction for the children from everything. The most important thing right now was to keep the children happy. The adults, well... they had lost plenty of people in their lives already, they were used to it. R stopped to think extra about that last part and kind of felt sad because of it. But it didn't stop her from moving on and help the children throw some darts.

"Now, Isadora." R explained, "It's important to hold the dart straight ahead of you."  
"I can't do that." Isadora said and threw the dart near Violet's feet.  
"Neither can I." Duncan added and threw his dart backwards.  
"Isadora, are you trying to tell me something?" Violet said flirtingly. Then she started to throw her darts in Isadora's direction. Isadora giggled.  
"Violéta, en garde!" Isadora cheered.

"It's nice seeing our daughters having such a beatiful friendship." mrs. Quagmire said.  
"Yeah, I think they are more than friends." Beatrice chuckled and drank some bitter tea.  
"I guess." mrs. Quagmire shrugged, "They have as intimate relationship as Anne Shirley and Diana Barry."

Beatrice glanced as Violet had jumped over Isadora and jokingly threatened her with darts, and Isadora giggled madly.  
"Mi amor!" Isadora screamed. "¡Si me disparas con los dardos, besaré tu boca profundamente!"  
"Okay, girls!" R said, "Let's stop throw darts near each other, or else we'll get hurt!"

"I also enjoy how much Duncan likes Klaus." mrs. Quagmire said, sipping her cup of tea. "Did you know how much he wanted to sleep with Klaus last night? He begged and begged all the time!"  
"Klaus really enjoys Duncan's company too." Beatrice said. "Ah, young love."  
"Yes. I think Quigley's got a little crush on Violet."  
"I was reffering to Duncan and Klaus-"  
"He has the same glance as Lemony had for you back when we were our children's ages."

Beatrice sighed and looked at the way Isadora was blushing at Violet, and also Fiona, who looked shy while watching the other children.  
"I don't think Quigley has the only glance."

"Darts isn't for you, Fiona!" Widdershins said. "You're too big for those things! Polish my shoes instead like a good girl."  
"I don't want to polish your shoes." Fiona growled.  
"Aye! I don't want to hear that tone!"  
"Captain Widdershins!" Jacques yelled, standing near them. "Fiona said she didn't want to polish your shoes! Then don't let her polish her shoes!"  
"But my shoes need polishing!"  
"Then fucking polish them yourself!" Fiona moaned.  
"Don't use that word to me, young lady!"

Kit and Jacques walked forward to Captain Widdershins and blocked him from Fiona.

"You will not let Fiona polish your shoes." Kit said. "Scram."  
"I thought it would be nice to be here." Widdershins mumbled. "Aye. Instead everyone is against me."

"Come on, Fiona." Kit said, "Let's get you some darts. Actually, I'll think I will throw some darts too."  
"Cakesniffer!" Carmelita screamed, holding a bunch of darts she hadn't thrown. "Only children can throw darts!"  
"That's where you're wrong." Jacques said, "Adults can enjoy things just as much as children. I think I want to throw some darts aswell."  
"Yeah, darts!" Bertrand cheered.  
"Come on!" Beatrice said to mrs. Quagmire. "Let's throw some darts!"  
"No, i'd rather sit here and enjoy the view." mrs. Quagmire said.

Beatrice shrugged and joined her friends and family to throw darts.

Captain Widdershins was grumpy because Fiona didn't want to polish his shoes, and was on his way to ask Lemony if _he _wanted to polish them, since Lemony often did it when they were children.  
Esme and Jerome had a discussion about whether or not Carmelita is too aggressive when she's throwing darts.  
Thursday and Miranda hugged each other, telling each other how nice it is that everyone can have fun even though something terrible just happened the other night.  
Olivia was sitting under a tree with Montgomery Montgomery and distracted Josephine from not getting afraid of a dart hitting her.  
And all the rest of them threw darts on all the targets R had set up since she figured many people wanted to play. Everyone except mrs. Quagmire of course, who still sat in a chair and drank her bitter tea.

Suddenly, a dart flied past mrs. Quagmire.   
"Whew!" she thought, "The children must be careful with throwing the darts."

The dart continued to fly.

Just as Captain Widdershins was going to ask Lemony if he could polish his shoes, the dart hit him.

Almost. Because Widdershins moved to the side at the exact moment it was going to hit.

"Aye! Be careful with the darts, children!"

The dart continued to fly, until it finally stopped.

Because it had just hit something.

"Ow!"

Thursday touched his neck. "Ow!"  
"What did we say about the darts?" Miranda sighed, and was going to help her husband drag the dart out. These darts most often didn't do much harm. It felt just like a sharp needle that you touch lightly. The worst thing that could happen was that you started to bleed a little.  
"Aye! That could've been me!" Captain Widdershins giggled. "Glad it wasn't me!"  
"Thursday, are you okay?" Lemony asked.

Thursday didn't answer. Instead, he fainted.

"Thurday!" Miranda yelled.  
"Daddy!" Friday yelled, and ran up to him.

Olivia also ran up to him and bent down.

"Oh..." she said, "This... is this a normal dart?"  
"What?" R asked.

R ran up to them and glanced at the dart in Thursday's neck.  
"This... isn't a dart I have in my stash of darts."

She took the dart out. Esme and Beatrice walked closer to see better. Both of them shared a glance and gasped.

"It's a poison dart." they said in unison.

Esme turned around.

"Alright! Which one of you brats, except Carmelita because she is obviously innocent, threw this fucking poison dart?!"  
"I more want to know how the dart came here in the first place." R said suspiciously. "I do _not _have those things in my house, especially if children are around. You have to trust me on that."  
"I trust you." Beatrice said and looked desperately at Thursday.  
"Is daddy gonna wake up?" Friday asked.  
"I..." Miranda said.   
"Aye aye!" Captain Widdershins exclaimed, "And it could've hit me! I could've died!"  
"What, is father dead?" Friday asked.  
"Why couldn't it have been Widdershins." Quigley groaned, but not loudly.  
"Shit." Sunny said, which probably meant "The one throwing the dart obviously wanted to hit Widdershins, but that fucker moved and it instead hit Thursday."

R stood up. "Everyone... I think we better get inside."


	3. Worst coming out ever?

The rest of the day, R wanted everyone to stay inside. She suspected that the poison dart could have been thrown from someone uninvited to the house, and she didn't want to take any risks. Everyone made sure to give the Calibans lots and lots of comfort, and of course also gave the Quagmires comfort since their father died the other day.

The children, especially the Quagmire triplets, seemed to pay very much attention to Friday. It must've been their shared griefs, since both of them had lost their respective fathers recently. Friday seemed not to cry very much about her fathers loss, and her aunt Olivia concluded it must be from shock. It all happened so quickly, so no one could quite process what had occured. But there was also something with this house that made people... forget. No, not forget, but... feel less grief.

"This house isn't safe!" mrs. Quagmire complained. "Two people have died and it has barely been 24 hours!"  
"Take it easy." R said, "I have locked all the doors and all the windows. If anyone tries to come in, I will be on guard. And I believe I can trust my friends to do the same."

Beatrice, Bertrand, Fernald, Miranda, Olivia, Kit, Jacques, Lemony, Jerome, Montgomery and Josephine all nodded wisely.

"I would be terribly frightened if anyone dangerous was in this house." Josephine said nervously.  
"Karma." Sunny said, which meant "Every human is dangerous in their own way, idiot."  
"Sunny!" Bertrand exclaimed, "Now that was very innapropriate. Apologise to your aunt Josephine."  
"I don't understand why Sunny should apologise for saying 'Karma'." Josephine frowned, "Even though it is not grammatically correct to just say 'karma' and nothing else. I think. Oh no, my anxiety makes me forget what's grammatically correct and what's not grammatically correct!"  
"I think Sunny is tired." Bertrand explained, "Maybe I should go up and put her down for a nap."  
"Maybe every child should take a nap!" Mrs. Quagmire suggested.   
"I'm too adorable to take a nap!" Carmelita said.  
"No, darling!" Esme suddenly said, "I think that's a good idea! Let all the children sleep!"  
"Oh, so you can kill us when we sleep?" Carmelita frowned.  
"I actually agree with this idea too." Jerome said, "Napping maybe can help-"  
"Shut up, honey, no one cares." Esme interrupted.

"Friday." Miranda said, "Maybe if you take a nap... it will help you with..."  
"I get it, mother." Friday said calmly. "Yes, maybe taking a nap is a good idea."  
"Violet, Klaus?" Bertrand asked, "What do you say? Do you want to nap with your little sister?"  
"Sure." Klaus said, "But-"  
"Yes." Beatrice said. "You can sleep with Duncan, Klaus. Violet, you can sleep with Quigley or Isadora. Or both. Or all of you can sleep together."

Mrs. Quagmire stood up. "Beatrice... are-?"  
"Yes." Beatrice said and gave mrs. Quagmire a strict look. "They should feel as safe and comfortable as possible. And if our children feel more safe and comfortable if they sleep next to each other, then they can atleast do that if they take a nap."

Mrs. Quagmire sighed. She went up to Duncan.  
"Alright, Duncan. I can allow you this once. You can take a small nap with your best friend, but tonight you'll sleep with your siblings and me. We need to be together as a family."  
"Thanks, mom." Duncan said slowly.

His mother chuckled slightly. "You with Klaus reminds me of when I was in love with your father. I always wanted to be near him. Just like Quigley is with Violet."

Duncan lit up. He didn't think his mother had understood, but perhaps she did. Quigley and Violet shared some blushy looks.

"I mean." mrs. Quagmire said, "In my case, I had a crush on your father. You and Klaus are just best friends."

Everyone in the room gave mrs. Quagmire a very stern look. Except Captain Widdershins, who was far too busy eating chocolate from a bowl. Nobody wanted to say anything, not even Carmelita, who usually had a thing for spilling what other people did. They wanted the oblivious mrs. Quagmire to figure it out herself, or that Duncan or Klaus told her.

"That... means I can sleep with Violet?" Quigley asked, grabbing Violets hand.  
"Yes..." his mother said, "but Isadora needs to sleep next to you two lovebirds."  
"I'd like that." Isadora said, and grabbed Violet's other hand. Violet just grinned. Beatrice glanced at the children and smiled slightly at the whole situation they had.  
"Aye." Captain Widdershins said, "And my Fiona probably needs a nap too, eh? She's still so little."  
"You said I was too big to throw darts today." Fiona said, "Fuck you. But yeah, I can use a nap."

Bertrand gave Sunny to Klaus, who bounced her up and down. Duncan smiled and stroke Sunny's arm. They were like two little fathers.

"Well." Bertand said, "You should go nap now. I think Sunny's starting to get cranky."  
"Alright." Violet said, dragging Quigley and Isadora after her. "See you later, adults."  
"Don't kill anyone." Duncan said.

"Mom?" Friday asked, "Will you be alright?"  
"I will be alright, sweetie." Miranda said and kissed her daughter on the cheek.  
"And you, aunt Olivia?"  
"Yes, I will be fine." Oliva said and hugged her niece. "Now, go get some sleep."

Klaus was putting Sunny in her crib, which meant it was the best if he took a nap in the same room. He fluffed a pillow up and Duncan lied next to him.

"We have to tell her." Klaus said. "We have to."  
"Yeah, we do." Violet said, peeking inside. "Can we be here, too?"  
"Sure."

Violet lied down in the largest bed, and Quigley and Isadora quickly lied next to her.

"Mom is so stupid." Isadora said.  
"Yeah." Duncan agreed. "We have to tell her, Is. We have to tell her. She doesn't understand unless we tell her straight."  
"Not so straight." Violet added and everyone giggled.  
"Get a room." Sunny said, which meant "I support you and I enjoy your drama, but please, I am a baby and I need my sleep."  
"Sorry, Sunny." Klaus whispered.

Suddenly, Friday came into the room.

"Hi..."  
"You don't have to say anything." Violet said. "You can nap her with us. Go lie near Duncan and Klaus, they got plenty of space."  
"Hey, you have the biggest bed." Klaus whispered, as he didn't want to wake up Sunny.  
"I am kind of busy." Violet said. Quigley and Isadora cuddled her on each side.  
"Alright." Duncan said, "Come here, Friday. We will protect you."

As all of them were cosying up, Fiona snuck in.

"Hey, can I join you? I don't want to be alone."  
"Of course." Violet said. "You can lie down next to Isadora."

Klaus was going to comment how Fiona apparently could fit in the larger bed and not Friday, but he was feeling too tired.

And so, Carmelita came in too.

"I'm not here because I want to be, it's just I don't want to be alone if the murderer is around." she said.

Everyone smirked at that, and Carmelita curled up in a smaller mattress near the beds. She wasn't in the mood to kick anyone out of a bed, she actually just wanted a nap. So she just took the nearest available thing you could sleep on.

There they were. Every child lying comfortably down and had the best nap they had for years.  
Sunny was in her crib, dreaming about biting carrots on a field while flying around.  
Friday was curled up in a blanket, feeling very safe around all the other children.  
Carmelita lied straight as a wooden stick on the matress, either dreaming or just fantasising about stealing earrings.  
Duncan and Klaus were holding hands in their sleep. They shared a dream, and all their guilt, sorrows and grief had disappeared.  
Fiona was hugging Isadora and thought how warm and cosy Isadora were.  
Isadora hugged Violets arm and kissed on it in her sleep (probably dreaming she was Gomez or Morticia Addams. Or perhaps Wednesday.)  
Quigley lied on the other of Violet and curled his head up her cheek.  
Violet wasn't sleeping. She had just closed her eyes and enjoyed her popularity.

"Children..."

All the children slowly woke up to see R standing in the doorway.

"You have been sleeping for several hours. It's dinner time."

The children looked around. It was like they forgot where they were and all their griefs and sorrows had vanished into thin air because they were all together to support and comfort each other.

As they were getting ready to go down, Klaus turned to Duncan.

"You gotta tell your mother."  
"Now? At dinner?" Duncan asked anxiously. He could feel his heart beat fast.  
"Yes." Isadora said, "Come on, Duncan. I can tell her too. We can tell her together."  
"Cyrus Goodman!" Sunny shrieked, which meant "Coming out is always more memorable when you eat food!"

Duncan took a deep breath. "Alright. Let's do it."

"Hi, angels." Mrs. Quagmire said, sitting in the dining room. "Did you sleep well?"  
"Yes, we slept very well." Quigley said, "Especially Isadora and Duncan. They seemed to sleep more comfortably with Violet and Klaus around."  
"And I bet you slept well too, you little casanova." his mother said and pinched his left cheek.

Quigley shrugged. "I guess I slept pretty ok."  
"Nooboo." Sunny said, which meant, "I am well rested, but now i'm hungry."  
"Good thing dinner is served, then!" Beatrice cheered. She picked Sunny up and put her in her highchair.  
"How do you know what she's sayin'?" Captain Widdershins asked.  
"We know baby talk." Fernald explained, "Most of us, atleast."

"I went upstairs before." Kit whispered to her brothers, "and I peeked at the children while they were napping."  
"That's not creepy at all, Kit." Lemony said.  
"I know, it's not." Kit said, "Anyway. I noticed how Duncan and Klaus snuggled. They looked just like when Jacques and Olivia slept together when we were kids."  
"Why are you looking at people who's sleeping?" Jacques asked.  
"And why do you remember them?" Lemony added.  
"It's just fun to know." Kit shrugged. "My point is, I hope the boys tell Duncan's mother soon. Because they are getting closer, but their mother... she's getting more oblivious."  
"Yeah, the tension is killing me." Jacques admitted. "These kids got some lovers quarrel going on, not only with those two boys, but also Violet with the two other Quagmires. Yet, that woman believes only Quigley likes Violet, but not Isadora."  
"We know, Jacques." Lemony sighed, "You don't have to re-explain to us."  
"Well, sorry then?"

The dinner was fairly pleasant. Everyone ate the marvelous roast beef R had prepared, with the help of Jerome, Kit and Montgomery. Everyone had such a nice time it was almost hard to believe that someone had died very recently. Some of the children wondered where the dead bodies had gone, but since that was not important to the plot they assumed someone either came to pick them up or the bodies just vanished into thin air.

But there was an elephant in the room that needed to be adressed.

"Duncan?" Isadora whispered. She had conveniently sat down next to Duncan, despite her really wanting to sit next to Violet, or perhaps Fiona. But she sat next to Duncan so they could communicate better.  
"Yes?" Duncan answered.  
"Shall we..." Isadora did shifted her hand towards their mother.  
"I don't know. I'm nervous."  
"Me too. But we have to, or else someone else will."

Slowly, the two triplets raised from the table and proceeded to walk towards their mother.

"Mother." Isadora said and cleared her throat. "We need to tell you something."

Suddenly, all the people around the table went silent. They all knew what was gonna happen, except Captain Widdershins of course, because he again was just fucking obnoxious. Mrs. Quagmire didn't know anything either of course, because she was the one the children was gonna tell.

Duncan gulped, nervous of everyone watching them.

"What is it you want to tell me?" mrs. Quagmire asked.

Isadora could feel her heart thumping. She glanced at Duncan. She thought he should tell her first, because, well, it felt like it was bigger news with Duncan than with her.

"Mother." Duncan squealed. "I... you know how I always want to sleep next to Klaus?"  
"Yes?" Mrs. Quagmire said, eating her roast beef.  
"It isn't because he's my best friend... it's because..." Duncan took a deep breath. "It's because I love him."  
"Of course you do, sweetie." his mother said, "Best friends love each other!"

Duncan glared at her. "No, mom. I'm fucking gay."

His mother looked suddenly stopped chewing her food. She looked at her son. Her eyes were confused, like she never had heard such words before. She couldn't speak, mostly because she had food in her mouth. But Duncan could see she was trying to swallow all of it so she could speak again.

"Duncan..." she said, thinking she had swallowed it all.

Isadora placed her hand on her mothers shoulder.

"Mom, this is probably a good time to tell you that i'm gay too. Just so you know."

Her mother turned around quickly, so quickly that the little piece of roast beef she unknowingly still had in her mouth fell into her throat. She started to cough.

"Mom?" Isadora said, "Are you okay?"  
"I..." Mrs. Quagmire coughed.

"Aye!" Captain Widdershins exhaled, "I think the woman is chokin'!"  
"Oh no!" Duncan said. He didn't know what to do if someone was choking, so he and Isadora tried their best to bang on their mother's back.  
"She can do it by herself!" Captain Widdershins said oddly calmly. "I once choked on a banana, and I just easily coughed it up again in a few seconds!"

Mrs. Quagmire started to turn pale. She was banging herself in her chest, as Duncan and Isadora just tried to help her.

R noticed that no one seemed to do anything to help, so she ran up.

"I know the heimlich maneuver, don't worry!"

R grabbed mrs. Quagmire and started to push.

A minute went by, and R pushed and pushed. But nothing seemed to happen. Mrs. Quagmire was completely purple and so, she fell to the ground.

"No." R said, "No, no, no..."

Mrs. Quagmire lied lifeless on the ground. R bent down.

"She's... she's not breathing."

Quigley had ran up to Isadora and Duncan. He held out his hands, and his both siblings took one hand each.

"Atleast you told her." Quigley said. Then, he looked down and he and his siblings hugged each other tightly.


	4. A very sad, dramatic and (possibly) accidental death

24 hours had passed by since Mrs. Quagmire had passed away. It was not clear what they would do with the Quagmire triplets. After all, they were orphans now. Neither what to do with the Quagmires car they drove to the mansion in. Sunny suggested they would push it to the edge of a cliff, but everyone discouraged this.

One positive thing about their parents death was that the Quagmire children now could sleep with the Baudelaires without permission. It didn't need to even be said, the Quagmires just stuck to the Baudelaires. It was unclear if they would move in with the Baudelaires later, or if they would end up in a foster home after they went home from the mansion. Either way, they just had to wait and see.

All day, people treated them with care.

R offered to take their dishes after they finished eating.  
Beatrice told them stories about good memories with the triplets parents.  
Bertrand offered to sing some old songs to them to make them feel nostalgic.  
Violet offered make out sessions for Quigley and Isadora in a room's closet (one at a time, of course).  
Klaus took long walks with Duncan and talked about life.  
Sunny prepared a cake just for the Quagmires.  
Montgomery told them about a secret snake only he knew about.  
Josephine told them how lucky they were to be alive.  
Jerome gave them some rich gifts he brought with him to the mansion for some reason.  
Esme said the triplets were "in", even if she really didn't think so.  
Carmelita didn't call them anything insulting all day.  
Kit had taken them to a private room and told them who was the father of her baby (and made them promise not to tell anyone who it was).  
Jacques offered to give them driving lessons (but everyone said no to that).  
Lemony learned them some new useful words.  
Fiona offered them books about poison and fungi, because that's the only books she had with her, but she wanted them to have them.  
Fernald offered them hook massage, which was suprisingly calming.  
Captain Widdershits ignored them.   
Friday picked flowers and gave to them.  
Miranda offered to listen if they wanted to talk.  
Olivia asked if they wanted to try to speak to ghosts, since you were more open to the spirit world if someone you knew just passed.

It was dinner time again.

"Tonight's dish is steamed hams." Lemony said, placing out plates on the table.  
"Lemony." Jacuqes sighed, "For the last time. It's not called steamed hams-"  
"Where's the children?" Esme asked.  
"Here!" Sunny protested, which meant, "Hey! I am here!"  
"I'm here too!" Friday said.  
"My wife refers to the older children." Jerome explained.

Down the stairs came Violet, all red in her face. Quigley and Isadora came behind her, all giggly. Beatrice and Bertrand smiled.

"What have you three been up to?" Bertrand asked teasingly.  
"Just some inventing." Violet responded and smiled big.

Captain Widdershins made a disgusted face. "Where's Fiona?"  
"Right here!" Fiona said, running down the stairs.  
"Good!" her stepfather exclaimed, "I thought you did something inappropriate."  
"Can you define 'inappropriate'?" Fiona asked.  
"Aye! It doesn't matter, let's eat!"

"I do wonder what happened to Duncan and Klaus." R said.  
"Oh." Bertrand said, "They went out for a walk. They'll be back soon."

Just as Bertrand said it, Duncan and Klaus walked into the room.

"Sorry if we're late." Klaus said.  
"Oh, we haven't started yet, dears." R said happily.  
"Klaus, why are you so soaked?" Beatrice asked, "It's not raining outside, is it?"  
"We walked all the way to the ocean nearby." Klaus admitted. That was true. The duchess of Winnipeg's mansion lied on a cliff, where if you walked down you would go to a beach.

"Yes." Duncan added. "And I accidentally stumbled into the water."  
"And I captured him." Klaus giggled, "But then I fell in it too."

Everyone made an "aww". All except for Captain Widdershins.

The dinner went on pretty smoothly. Fiona sat next to Fernald.

"What were you doing before you came downstairs?" Fernald asked.

Fiona glanced around. Then she whispered in Fernalds ear.

"I was with Violet, Quigley and Isadora."  
"Why didn't you come down when they came down, then?"  
"Because of..."

Fiona looked at Captain Widdershins, and Fernald followed her gaze. He sighed.

"I understand." he said. "Or, not quite."

Fiona blushed. "Let's just say Violet were having a blast in the closet."  
"Fiona Widdershins!" Fernald exclaimed, "What?"  
"Schh!" Fiona giggled, not wanting everyone to hear. "She basicly had seven minutes in heaven with them."  
"Oh." Fernald said. "Wait, at the same time?"  
"No, one at a time. Which is why I was there to keep the other one company while the first was in the closet with Violet. And while Quigley was in there, me and Isadora had a great conversation. And I started to feel really good, and we were just about to- uh... then it was time for dinner, and I needed a moment to calm myself down. Also, I didn't want our stepdad to know that I was outside the closet-"

"Aye!" Captain Widdershins shouted. "Fiona, I heard something about a closet!"  
"Uh..." Fiona said.  
"Yes." Violet said, "Me, Quigley and Isadora was-"  
"Doing somethin' dirty in the closet?" Captain Widdershins said. "And my Fiona saw you?"  
"Uh." Quigley said. "Not... excactly?"  
"Fiona, were you in the closet with them?"  
"No!" Fiona said. "I was outside-"  
"Ah. You were outside. Good."

Fiona gave him a look. "What do you mean?"  
"I'm glad to hear you were outside while Violet was inside with Duncan and Isadora."  
"My name is Quigley-"  
"Same difference. Fiona, i'm glad you're not a queer like those Quagmire triplets. If you were, I too would probably choke on my food and die!"

That made Fiona see fire. She stood up and walked towards Violet, Quigley and Isadora. Then, she grabbed Isadora and kissed her for a long time on the mouth. Isadora didn't resist. She liked it too.

Widdershins did not choke on his food. Instead, he clenched his fists. He went up to his stepdaughter and looked her deeply in the eyes.

"You are not yourself, Fiona. Talk to me again when you are."

And then, he proceeded to walk off.

"Don't worry, Fiona." Beatrice said, "I will talk to him."

Fiona looked up at Beatrice. "It's fine. He's an asshole."  
"But his behaviour is still not ok! I will talk to him."

"We are here for you." Miranda said and hugged Fiona. Then, she lifted Friday up. "Friday, just so you know, you can love whoever you want. I will love you just as much no matter what."  
"Fiona?" Olivia asked, "Do you want to speak to some ghosts in the attic? That always cheers me up."  
"I'd like to come too." Jacques said flirtingly.  
"For the last time, my mansion is not haunted!" R said.  
"Well, people have died here recently." Isadora shrugged. Normally, someone (like her mother) would glare at her for saying that. But no one did.

"Captain Widdershins?"

Beatrice slowly opened the door.

"What do you want?" he asked.  
"I was wondering if you'd like to take a walk with me. Around the area."  
"Aye... sure, but why?"  
"I just feel like taking a walk. Come on."

Beatrice and Captain Widdershins walked outside.

"After I heard about Klaus and Duncan's little adventure to the beach, I kind of want to go there aswell." Beatrice giggled.   
"No, it's such a long way there." Captain Widdershins muttered. "Can't we just walk around the garden?"  
"Sure, that works too."

They walked around the garden and watched all the flowers.

"Look!" Beatrice said, "There's a little mushroom. I wonder what it's called. Fiona's an expert on mushrooms, right?"  
"Yeah..." Captain Widdershins said slowly.  
"Your kids are amazing." Beatrice cheered, "You have raised them well."  
"Thank you. Yes, Fernald makes me proud every day."  
"And Fiona?"

Captain Widdershins sighed. "I do love Fiona, too. But she can easily get into sillyness, since she's still a child. Though, I thought she grew out of it now."  
"Grew out of what?"  
"Her... obsession with... doing the opposite of what I have told her. Like today."  
"Today?"  
"Yes. Didn't you see at dinner? That was only to shock me."

Beatrice rolled her eyes. "Perhaps. But you did say to her that if she was-"  
"Yes. Beatrice, I _know _my Fiona. She is not... like that. She only kissed Isadora to shock me."  
"Or, she actually likes Isadora."  
"I don't get it." Captain Widdershins growled, "How can both Duncan and Isadora be like that? What kind of parenting do you have to end up with two of them? Atleast Quigley's normal. Tell me, Beatrice, how does it feel when Klaus is hangin' out with someone like Duncan?"  
"I think it's wonderful that they found each other!" Beatrice said, and placed her hand on her chest.  
"And Violet? What kind of person keeps it up with two people? And one who's the same gender!"  
"Widdershins, my daughter likes both men and women. And she happens to like both a man and a woman right now, and they like her, so they have come up with a conclusion."  
"And you don't think it's weird?"  
"No?"

Captain Widdershins scratched his head. "What did you say when your children told you this?"  
"What?"  
"What did you say... when Klaus and Violet... say they were... you know, they liked..."  
"Oh, they didn't say anything." Beatrice shrugged.  
"What?"  
"They didn't have to. I figured."

Captain Widdershins looked confused. "How can you just figure that out without them telling you?"  
"Why should you tell that in the first place?" Beatrice asked, "Why not just fall in love and then you see what hap-"

Suddenly, Beatrice didn't speak. From her back, blood started to flood. And from her front, a large harpoon suddenly appeared. She fell to the ground.

"Beatrice!" Captain Widdershins screamed.

R ran out, with Lemony and Esme behind her.

"Dear god, that's a harpoon!" Esme squealed. "I knew the duchess of Winnipeg had a harpoon!"  
"I do." R admitted, "But I have locked it away! The only way to get it is to crack a secret code..."  
"Who would shoot Beatrice?" Lemony asked, and felt the tears coming down his cheeks.  
"Maybe it wasn't aimed at her..." R said slowly.

Slowly, Violet came outside with Bertrand walking in front of her. When he saw his wifes lifeless body, he shivered and covered Violet's eyes.

"Father?" Violet asked worringly. "What happened?"  
"Violet..." her father said, "I think your mother have been a victim of a terrible accident."

Indeed. The one who shot Beatrice with a harpoon may or may not have aimed at her. They could've most likely just aim completely wrong. Maybe they had never shot with an harpoon before and just hoped for the best. But whoever it was, they are most likely very guilty about it. Or not.


	5. The people start to fucking realise something is wrong

This night, the Quagmire triplets did not sleep with the Baudelaire siblings. It just felt too much. When the triplets parents died, it was one thing. But Beatrice Baudelaire... she was someone...special. And the Quagmires almost felt too much grief for her rather than their own parents. Especially Quigley, who just felt more guilty than the others for being more sad over other childrens mother than over his own mother.

In the morning, R told anyone to stay inside. She didn't want anyone to go out. Not today. It felt too dangerous and too hard right now.

"I can't believe it happened to fast." Josephine said. She sat and ate her breakfast with R, Miranda and Jerome. Everyone else was still asleep.  
"Me neither." R said, "I feel like... someone... is doing this on purpose... just to torture us."  
"But who would want to murder Beatrice?" Miranda asked.  
"Who would murder Thursday?" Josephine asked, and then let out a wild scream.

"Jesus!" Esme said, walking into the room. "What is it now, Josephine? Did you see a fly?"  
"No..." Josephine said. She stared at the window.

Outside was the paper boy on his bicycle. He had just thrown a newspaper into the house somehow, and then just took his bicycle and fucking jumped off the cliff.

"He does that every day." R assured her, "He's the parkour paper boy. He once biked into a bank to deliver a paper and then jumped with his bicycle over their desks."  
"Well, he could be more careful!" Josephine screeched.

It was lunch time. Everyone had woken up at this time, and ate their sandwhiches that R and Kit had made for them.

"El." Sunny said, which meant "I wish I could take a sandwhich with mind powers instead of waiting for my father to bring me one."  
"Here you go, Sunny." Bertrand sighed and placed a smaller sandwhich on her place.  
"Toddler phase!" Sunny screamed, which probably meant "You have made the sandwhich wrong! It's too unperfect! I don't want to eat it anymore."

"Why do you have such a bratty child?" Carmelita asked, and threw a piece of salad on the ground.  
"Sunny is not bratty!" Klaus protested.  
"It's very common for small children to be picky of food." Bertrand explained. "Sunny isn't even as bad as Violet was."

Bertrand suddenly started to laugh. "One time, when Violet was two, she threw her plate on Beatrice because there was mustard on the side, which ruined the entire plate of food. Poor Beatrice was trying to prepare a decent meal and calm Violet down at the same time."

Everyone started to chuckle.

"I can imagine Beatrice doing that." R said, smiling.  
"Remember when she fell down the mountain?" Montgomery said, "And swung herself on a branch that stuck out, and quickly used her grappling hook to get herself up again?"  
"That woman always amazed me." Jerome commented.

They all smiled as they thought of this remarkable woman. They figured, instead of being sad that she's dead, they could remind themselves of all the happy things.

"Hey, you know what Beatrice would want right now?" R asked.  
"Bats?" Violet suggested.  
"Books?" Klaus added.  
"Sunny?" Sunny asked.

"Nope!" R said, "Tea! Bitter tea!"

Josephine clapped her hands. "Oh! Her famous bitter tea!"

"Let's make tea for everyone!" Bertrand suggested.  
"Can we help?" Violet asked, "I promised Fiona and Isadora to teach them how to make it as bitter!"

"Oh, if Fiona goes." Captain Widdershins said, "Can someone ask her to put sugar in mine?"  
"You ask her yourself, stepfather." Fernald groaned.  
"No, it's fine." Fiona said. "I can make it."

She placed her hands around Isadora's waist and the two girls made a little dance. Isadora gave Captain Widdershins a teasing glare.

"Yes, we can make some sugar in your tea." she said. Fiona and Violet giggled.

Captain Widdershins shivered. "Fiona, I hope your phase is going to end soon."

R, Bertrand, Violet, Isadora and Fiona went into the kitchen to make some tea. Klaus and Duncan walked in for a short while, and then walked out snickering. Carmelita asked them what was so funny, and they just giggled at her and went back to the dining table.

Jacques and Olivia went away for a while to talk, and no one knew where.

Just as the tea was done, they came back and sat on their chairs as if nothing had happened.

"Tea time!" R cheered. She and Bertrand, plus the girls, went out and put all the teacups out.

"You sure this has sugar in it?" Captain Widdershins asked.  
"I don't know." Bertrand said, "The girls took care of the sugar. Girls!"

Violet came to them. She stared at the teacup Captain Widdershins had.

"No, I believe there's no sugar in it..." Violet said, "The sugar tea should be-"  
"Here!" Friday said and held up her cup. "There's a sugar cube floating in mine."

Isadora walked forward and grabbed the sugar tea, as Violet took the tea Captain Widdershins had, and they switched the teacups in the middle.

"Well." R said, "Cheers."

They all slowly started to drink their tea. Sunny watched oddly nervously around her while she drank, as if she was afraid of something. But it could probably just be that she was a baby and was afraid to spill the tea on her nice dress.

But suddenly, R started to cough.

"Are you okay?" Esme asked.  
"Yeah." R said, "I just... I don't know, maybe a bit of sugar accidentally came in my teacup-"

She stopped herself to start coughing again. She coughed more violently.

"Aye! Excuse yourself, woman!" Captain Widdershins exclaimed.  
"I'm sorry." R coughed, "I just-"

R suddenly fell to the ground. She was still coughing.

"Is she okay, mommy?" Friday asked.  
"I don't know, sweetie." Miranda admitted.

"Help..." R shrieked.

Jerome, Bertrand, Lemony and Olivia all ran up to her.

"R, what's wrong?" Lemony asked worringly.  
"Did someone put poison in her tea or something?" Carmelita asked.

R coughed and coughed. The more she coughed, the less her voice was heard. After a while, she said, in a very hoarse voice:

"Please, try to figure out who does this."

That was R's last words, before she closed her eyes and died.

Esme walked towards R's teacup, and smelled on it.

"Holy shit!" she exclaimed, "And that is okay to say in this moment. There _was _poison in her tea!"

Everyone gasped.

"Who would put poison in her tea?" Klaus asked.  
"Or was it even her tea?" Duncan added, "Or was it someone elses?"  
"The only thing we can guarantee." Kit said slowly, "Is that someone here is not who they seem to be."


	6. People start to use half of their braincells

It was hard to know what to do when the host of the mansion you're staying at have fallen dead on the ground. You don't know if you are still allowed to stay there, or if you have to leave.

The majority of the guests decided to stay. The duchess of Winnipeg may be dead, but if other people have died recently, you feel like there's a mystery you need to solve before you leave.

"Now." Bertrand said, "Who was in the kitchen making tea?"  
"Well, it was you." Captain Widdershins said, "And R. And Violet and Isadora. And Fiona."  
"And Klaus and Duncan went in there too for a while!" Carmelita protested.  
"And then Jacques and Olivia went away." Miranda said, "But I don't think they went into the kitchen."

"Aye!" Captain Widdershins exclaimed. "We have a lot of subjects!"

"Do we know it's poison?" Jerome asked.  
"Yes, we do!" Esme protested. "Now it's just to figure out who put it there."  
"Innocent!" Sunny shrieked, which meant "I did it! I know how to poison tea!"  
"No, Sunny." Violet sighed, "You did not do it. You barely know how to get out of your chair"

"Let's start with the people who was in the kitchen." Fernald suggested.  
"I promise to speak nothing but the truth." Bertrand said. "I did not do it."  
"How can we know that?" Captain Widdershins asked.  
"My father is far too pleasant to casually put poison in tea!" Klaus yelled.  
"Is he?" Captain Widdershins asked.

"It was probably Klaus or Duncan." Carmelita said. "Because they DIDN'T SAY WHAT THEY DID IN THE KITCHEN."  
"Klaus and Duncan just went inside the kitchen to try the bitterness of the tea." Bertrand explained.  
"And how do you know?" Carmelita asked.  
"That is literally what they did." Isadora said. "Honestly."  
"They said the bitterness was perfect." Violet added and looked proud.  
"Ok, then why didn't you tell me that?" Carmelita asked and glared at the giggling boys.  
"We just like to tease you." Duncan said.

"Maybe someone of the girls put the poision in the tea!" Captain Widdershins suggested.  
"I don't think the children would do such a thing!" Olivia said.  
"Aye! Then it's just you and Jacques!"

Jacques and Olivia looked at each other awkwardly.

"Brother..." Kit said, "Can you please share your private moment with Olivia, since we have a fucking murderer here and I don't want my unborn child to be born around a murderer."

Jacques gave Olivia a nervous look.

"Alright." he said. "We went... upstairs. Then we were in my room and talked there. Then we came back down."  
"And you didn't go into the kitchen?" Lemony asked.  
"We didn't go into the kitchen." Olivia said.  
"They didn't go into the kitchen." Fiona and Isadora said together.  
"Can you gives us more details about what you talked about in the room?" Kit asked.  
"Uhm..." Jacques started to blush. "Maybe not in front of all the children..."

"Ew!" Isadora blurted out, "Jacques Snicket! In this house, in this very day? Disgusting!"  
"We were talking about how stupid bankers are!" Olivia interjected.

Everyone stared at her. She continued.

"We sat down in the bed. And we started discussing how stupid. Bankers. Are."

Everyone was silent.

"That _was_ something children shouldn't hear." Friday admitted.

  
"You know." Isadora said, "The duchess of winnipeg could have poisoned herself."  
"Yeah, she could've mistaken the poison for something else." Violet added.  
"But how would she know she got that cup of tea?" Bertrand asked. "Anyone of us could've been poisoned!"  
"Yeah, it seemed accidental." Miranda said.

"Aye!" I don't even think I have to say who said that because no one says 'aye' besides one character. Captain Widdershins continued.  
"Maybe it was an accidental death! But what about the other deaths, eh?"

"Okay." Quigley said, "Our mother died by accident. We know that."  
"Because your siblings came out to her while she ate food!" Captain Widdershins protested.  
"It was _not _our fault!" Isadora screamed, "Fuck you, Widdershit!"  
"Fernald, help me!"  
"No, you are a fucking bitch, stepfather."  
"Stop bickering!" Jerome said, "Please, we don't need more drama while there's horrible happenings that happen!"

"In case of Beatrice and Thursday." Fiona said, "We don't know if someone here was trying to kill them or if it was someone from the outside."  
"But then someone killed R from the inside of the house!" Friday exclaimed nervously.  
"But I wonder." Isadora said, "If the one shooting the harpoon was actually going to hit Beatrice and Thursday, or if the poison dart and harpoon gun got the wrong person."  
"Yeah." Klaus nodded, "I mean, why would someone want to kill my mother?"  
"Why would someone want to kill my father?" Friday said.

Kit sighed. "I don't think anyone here will tell if they have fucking killed anyone."  
"I would!" Sunny cheered.  
"I will propose an idea." Monty said. He just wanted to say something because he felt like the author had forgotten him, and the author wanted to be nice to let him talk.  
"Tell us, Monty." Josephine said.  
"What if everyone sleeps atleast three people in the same room? If the killer is in one room, they would have atleast one witness if they kill the others."  
"It's very fucked up you say that in such a calm voice." Violet said. "But yeah, I agree."

That night, everyone followed Montgomerys advice and made sure to sleep atleast three in a room. It was easy for most of them. The Baudelaires curled up together in their room. Montgomery Montgomery offered to sleep in the same room as the Quagmires, because he thought tjeu needed an adult in their room in case something happened. Josephine went to sleep in the Calibans room, and so all of the guests slept with three or more people in their room.

_Pow!_

Bertrand woke up. He looked around the room. All three of his precious children were sleeping beside him. Atleast it looked like it.

He had woken up because he heard a weird noise. It almost sounded like a gun shot. Bertrand glanced out the window. He noticed _something _was out there. Maybe it was a squirrel, or a moose. Or that parkour boy.

_Pow!_

Bertrand noticed how Klaus was starting to move around in his sleep. He hoped his son wasn't going to wake up. But instead of waking up, Klaus was turning his head back again.

"Duncan..." he said in his sleep.

Bertrand smiled. Then he looked at the window again. He noticed how someone walked out from the bushes.

It was someone wearing a black hoodie, lurking from the shadows. Bertrand couldn't see very well, since it was dark outside, but he thought he recogonize the person. He just couldn't put his finger on it. It looked like it was another person that peeked from the bushes.

The person seemed to look around, as if they were looking for something. Bertrand noticed they held something in their hand. Was that a gun?

Bertrand bit his lip. Then he slowly opened the the window a little to hear if he could hear them.

He started to hear voices speak quietly.

_"Shit! Fuck! I shot a squirrel!"_  
_ "You could've woken someone up!"_  
_ "I'm sorry, I have never held a gun before!"_  
_ "Then give me it! You seem to shoot as soon as a fucking fly comes near you."_  
_ "No! I have to have the gun! I messed up last time."_  
_ "Where did you even get it?"_  
_ "I told you! It was in the car."_

Bertrand recogonized the voices, but couldn't put his finger on who they belonged to. It could be two women, two children, a woman and a child or if it just was men with more high-pitched voices. He decided to take the chance and opened the door more.

_"Now, which window was it?"_  
_ "The one to the left?"_  
_ "Ok, I am nervous. You can have the gun. You're right."_  
_ "Thank you."_

Bertrand got nervous. But maybe, just maybe, he could reveal these people.

"Hey!" Bertrand yelled, "Who is there-"

_Pow!_

_"What the fuck?"_  
_ "Was that him? Was it? Dammit, then I could have-"_  
_ "Shit."_  
_ "What?"_  
_ "Shit, shit shit SHIT! We gotta go!"_  
_ "What?" _  
_ "Fast!"_

No one woke up by the last gun shot, because no one woke up to them before. All except for Violet.

"Ugh..." Violet groaned.

She looked around and noticed stains on her bed. Her first reaction was that she had started her period in the middle of the night. She went up to search for any sanitary products she might've brought in her suitcase. She growled at her body for not waiting until atleast 2 pm to start her cycle, instead of 2 am.

But as she waddled into the bathroom, she noticed that her period hadn't started at all. _Then where the fuck did the blood come from?_

She let the bathroom door open and let the light in there light up the bedroom. Klaus and Sunny was sound asleep. But in front of her lied her own father, with blood running out of him.

Violet slowly walked up to the shot corpse in front of her. She didn't cry. She didn't scream. She only looked at her father who lied in front of her.

"God dammit."


	7. A satisfying chapter

The reality hit Violet and her siblings in the morning when they realised their fathers death had made them orphans. It also hit the Quagmires, since it was more or less unspoken of that they most likely was going to live with the Baudelaires since their parents had perished aswell.

The Quagmires, Violet and Klaus sat curled up in a couch in the big library. They hugged each other tightly. They didn't know where they would go now. They didn't know who they would stay with.

Suddenly, Kit came into the room. She sat down with them.

"Kit." Klaus sniffed, "Isn't it weird that we keep on living here, even after R has died."  
"It is weird." Kit admitted, "But I feel like we can't just leave. Especially after what happened this night."  
"I was so... cold." Violet said, "When I found father. I didn't cry at all."  
"I reacted very neutral when I found my father." Isadora said, "You're not alone, Violet."

The two girls exchanged a kiss. Kit smiled at the lovebirds.

"We will make sure you will not end up in some strange foster home." Kit said, "You will live with any of us. Maybe you can move in with me. My baby is coming soon, and I might need some help while i'm raising it."  
"Because that kid wouldn't be totally fucked up with us around raising it." Quigley said.

Kit laughed. "We will work it out. Don't worry, children."

Fiona Widdershins was standing outside the library and listened to their conversation. She really wanted to join them.

"What are you standing here for, eh?" her stepfather asked, as he walked by. Fiona didn't answer.

Captain Widdershins shook his head. "Oh Fiona, when is this behaviour goin' to end?"  
"What behaviour?" Fiona asked harshly.  
"You bein' such a grumpy pants! Going around, mocking me behind my back... kissin' girls just to tease me. Why, why are you like this, Fiona?"  
"Why are I like what?" Fiona asked.  
"That was not grammatically correct, sweetie!" Josephine yelled, who always somehow got super sensitive hearing when someone spoke grammatically incorrect.

Captain Widdershins sighed. "I know you're not some queer girl. Stop pretending just to tease me."

Fiona wished she could make some scene. She could do like that scene from that swedish movie, where the girls get out of the school bathroom, shocking all their classmates. Then, one of them says "Tada! This is me, and this is my new girlfriend! Could you please move? We're gonna go and fuck!"

But instead she just bit her lip and looked down at the floor.

"Talk to me when you can explain." Captain Widderhins muttered.

"Fiona?" Violet asked. "We heard everything. Are you okay?"  
"Yeah." Fiona sighed. "He is not easy to crack."  
"You need to talk to him." Isadora said, "Somehow."  
"I really should."

Violet suddenly tied her hair up. "I have an idea..."

Captain Widdershins went into the kitchen and moaned.

"What is it, stepfather?" Fernald asked, making scrambled eggs with Sunny.   
"I don't know what i'm supposed to do." Widdershins sighed, "I feel like me and Fiona are drifting apart."  
"Really?" Sunny asked, rolling her eyes. What she meant was "Obviously, because you are a shitbag."  
"Have you and Fiona talked?" Fernald asked.  
"I'm tryin'! But she refuses to speak!"  
"Maybe you shouldn't force her to speak?"  
"But we need to speak!"  
"But you shouldn't force her to speak-"  
"I don't force her to speak!"

"Idiot." Sunny said, which meant "I don't want to give you any scrambled eggs, because you are hopeless."

Fernald rolled his eyes. "If Fiona actually was serious with what she does... how would you feel then?"  
"I would have demanded her to explain herself, of course!"  
"Maybe that's what she was trying to do?"  
"Fiona is not a lesbian! She needs to explain to me why she wants me to think she is!"

Sunny and Fernald shared an annoyed look. Then they nodded.

"Stepfather." Fernald said, "I need to change Sunny's diaper. You can finish your own scrambled eggs."

Fernald carried Sunny by letting her bite his left hook and hang there. She gave Captain Widdershins the middle finger.

"Aye." Captain Widdershins sighed, "Why is everyone mad at me? What have I done?"

A while later, captain Widdershins ate his scrambled eggs in loneliness. He glanced at everyone around. Carmelita was trying to teach Friday to tap dance. Esmé was discussing how snake skin was in, and wanted to kill some of Montgomerys. It was like no one was mad at anyone and people started to see each other as equal. Except, he felt like no one liked him. What did he do? What was wrong?

Suddenly, someone put a note next to his food. He didn't see who, because the note just slipped in front of him. He decided to read it.

_"Stepfather,_   
_ We need to talk. I don't want to argue. Meet me in half an hour outside, and we can talk. I need to explain, and I want you to listen._   
_ Fiona"_

Captain Widdershins wasn't sure this was Fiona's handwriting, but he had on the other hand never quite looked at her handwriting. He smiled slightly. His stepdaughter wanted to talk! That's good!

Captain Widdershins tried to find Fiona somewhere in the house, so they could go out together. But she was nowhere to be seen. So he just shrugged and went outside.

Now, Fiona didn't specify _where _outside they would meet.

"Does that little rascal think i'm gonna search for her?" Captain Widdershins asked himself.

Well, Fiona wasn't here, so he had to search. Captain Widdershins smiled a little. It reminded him of when Fiona was a little child and hid in small spaces around the submarine. Then, he would find her and give her tickles and she laughed. What happened to that girl? Of course, it would be totally inappropriate to do that now, since Fiona was almost 16 years old now, not 6. You should always treat your child with more maturity the older they get. He remembered just half a year ago when Fiona was reading her mushroom books instead of looking at the sheets for a cave nearby like he hoped she would. That was very irresponsible of her.

He remembered how both Fiona and Fernald complained that he put too much responisibility on them. He didn't understand what they were complaining about. The older you get, the more responsibility you need to take. Everyone knows this. Why couldn't Fiona be able to fix a broken telegraph when she's 11 years old? Why couldn't a 7 year old Fernald cook a meal for the entire submarine?

"Captain Widdershins!"

Captain Widdershins flinched. Was that Fiona? Why would Fiona call her stepfather 'captain Widdershins'? Anyway, he had to follow the voice.

"Fiona?"

Fiona was nowhere to be seen. Instead, he just saw something lying in the grass further away. He ran to it. A... pencil?

"We have waited for you, captain Widdershins."

Captain Widdershins turned around. "Fiona? What are you- wait, are you Fiona?"

In front of stood someone, who was much shorter than him. That wasn't unusual, since Widdershins was fairly tall. The person was wearing a gray hoodie, and covered their eyes with it.

"Finally, you came." said the hoodie covered person.  
"Are you Fiona?"  
"Doesn't matter who I am. I have a few things to say to you."  
"Aye..."  
"And you are going to listen. Is that clear?"  
"Aye."

Captain Widdershins was nervous. Perhaps this was Fiona. Or, she sent someone who could speak in her place. But for once in his fucking life, he stayed quiet and listened.

"Captain Widder_shit. _You lazy, annoying piece of crap. You have no idea how many times we have tried to get you."  
"Get me?"  
"Yes. We have seen how you behave. How you don't care about other peoples well being. How you only care about yourself. Fuck you, Widdershins."  
"I don't understand..."

The hoodie covered person walked forward towards him, which made him back slightly.  
"Of course you don't. You're so narrow minded. You are sexist. Homophobic. I bet you flush without putting the seat down too."  
"When have I ever been sexist? Homophobic? Who has told you this?"  
"We have tried to put an end to this since the moment you came here. But you always somehow survive."  
"Who's 'we'?"

Suddenly, another person appeared from behind the nearest tree. They also had a hoodie that covered their face. This person almost ran at full speed towards them, so Widdershins started to walk backwards fastly, because he got scared by this.

But he stopped just before reaching the edge, where a cliff started.

"Who are you?" he asked, "What do you want?"  
"Mostly for you to listen to what we will say now."

Captain Widdershins gulped.

"It started with the poison dart." the first person said, "It was supposed to hit you."  
"But you moved away just in time and it hit Thursday." the other one groaned.  
"Then, we tried to shoot you with a harpoon."  
"But unfortunately we accidentally hit Beatrice."  
"Then, poisonous sugar in your tea. Who _somehow _R got, which was fucking sad, because we were really sure to give it you."  
"And before you ask, no. We were not responsible for the deaths of the Quagmires. Mrs. Quagmire accidentally choked, and Mr. Quagmire we are not sure. Someone of us may have put arsenic in his food, but we are not sure."

"Wait, there's more of you?" Widdershins asked.  
"Captain Widdershit." the first hoodie covered person said. "Just... just shut up. For once in your fucking life."  
"This ends here." the other one said.

And so they ran quickly forward, and started to chase captain Widdershit. Fortunately for them, he had not many places to go. He was at the edge of the cliff, and was surrounded by the two scary hoodie wearing people. Slowly, they removed their hoods, and revealed their identity. But before Captain Widdershit could react, they pushed him out of the cliff.

Don't worry. Captain Widdershins survived, because he landed in the ocean.

No, I am kidding. In the end of the cliff, there was no ocean. There was a beach though, with very sharp rocks just underneath the cliff. He didn't stand a chance. I can with pride say that Captain Widdershins died a very gruesome death, by falling down from the cliff and hitting the very sharp rocks.

"We did it." said the first one. "Finally! Our mission is complete!"  
"Yeah." the other one said. "Sad so many innocent people had to be killed for it though."  
"So, what do we do now?"  
"Maybe... kill all the people who might be suspecting?"  
"Ok. But only _if _they suspect anything. Otherwise, no."

The two murderers quickly ran from the scene and hoped no one had seen them.


	8. Moody women

Several days had passed since Captain Widdershins fell to his death. But nobody seemed to even shed a single tear. Suprising, I know. Maybe all of them were just a bunch of psycopaths.

People started to get cozy in the mansion again. It was now after dinner, and everyone was in the living room in front of an open fire.

"I feel like I can sit two meters from the fire for the first time in a long time." Josephine said, "I usually sit like, five meters."

Kit rubbed her belly. "I think my little girl even knows it's calmer now. She probably is preparing for coming out sooner or later."  
"A girl?" Lemony smirked, "Is that so?"  
"Yep." Kit said, "I have made up my mind that it's a girl. I can just _feel _it."  
"Eeyore!" Sunny shrieked, which meant "We need to build her a house!"

Everyone giggled slightly at the toddlers comment.

"Yes." Miranda said, "It reminds me of a song."  
"Why not sing it?" Montgomery suggested, "Look, here's a ukelele."

Spontaneously, he took the ukelele that just randomly was there.

"This song is called 'With a few good friends'." he said, "And we may change it a little to fit for this. Now, who wants to start singing?"  
"Me." Kit said.

Montgomery smiled, and started to play a little melody. Klaus and Duncan sat hand in and in a couch. Next to Klaus sat Isadora, who cuddled with Fiona next to Quigley and Violet. Sunny sat in Friday's knee. Miranda and Oliva were swinging back and forth to the melody. So did Jacques and Lemony, together with Josephine and Jerome. Fernald was sitting in an armchair and tapped his feet slightly. Carmelita and Esmé just rolled their eyes, as they felt this was childish. And so, Kit started to sing.

_"With a few good friends and the sticks so soft, a house is built next to Winnipegs loft. _   
_ With a friend and a stick or three or four, a house is built where it wasn't before."_

The Baudelaires and Quagmires exhanged smiles. Suddenly, Josephine took over singing.

_"With a window here and there a door. _   
_ And a nail and a peg."_

She looked at Sunny. _"For the coat of Sunny."_

Sunny bursted out in a big smile, and clapped her hands. More people joined into the chorus.

_"With a few good friends and the sticks so soft, a house is built next to Winnipegs loft. _   
_ With a friend and a stick or three or four, a house is built where it wasn't before."_

Lemony started to sing. _"Dress it down. Or dress it up."_

Miranda took over, and hugged her daughter. _"Invite Friday for tea."_

_"And Fiona for supper." _Isadora added. Fiona blushed.

Everyone joined into the chorus, except Carmelita and Esmé. Sunny couldn't quite sing the words, but she babbled the melody.

_"With a few good friends and the sticks so soft, a house is built next to Winnipegs loft. _   
_ With a friend and a stick or three or four, a house is built where it wasn't before."_

_"With a few good friends." _Montgomery and Josephine sang.  
_"With a few good friends." _The Snickets sang.  
_"With a few good friends." _Jerome, Miranda and Olivia sang.  
_"With a few good friends." _the Quagmires and older Baudelaire children sang.  
_"With a few good friends." _Fiona, Fernald and Friday sang.

"I don't understand why you all are singing these childish tunes." Esmé sighed.  
"Because it's fun." Jerome giggled.  
"Oh, Jerome, why are you like this. Why did I marry you."

Jerome looked down at the floor, not knowing what to say.

"It's time to sleep, I think." Kit said. She gave Esmé a glare, indicating Esmé had ruined the mood entirely.  
"Come on, Carmelita." Esmé sighed, "We need our beauty sleep."

Carmelita looked like actually didn't agree with her guardian. But she just stayed quiet and followed her upstairs.

"Can I sleep with Klaus?" Duncan asked, and everyone giggled.

In the middle of the night, everyone was suddenly woken up by a scream.

Isadora, who lied next to Violet, hugged Violet tightly.

"Ugh, who's dying this time?"  
"Don't know." Violet sighed, and kissed Isadora, in hope of calming her.

But this time it wasn't anyone who died. I mean, why would someone just die without the author giving atleast a big build up? Instead, it was the opposite.

"Kit's water broke!" Lemony screamed through the hall.  
"Oh." Violet chuckled. "A baby is going to be born."  
"Do you think it's gonna be a boy or a girl?" Isadora asked, cuddling under Violet's arm.   
"I think it's twins. And they will name them Isadora and Quigley, the two most beautiful names in the world."

Everyone walked out from their bedrooms. Jacques and Lemony held Kit on each of their shoulders.

"I'm fine, boys." she groaned.  
"No!" Jacques yelled, "We will help you now, sister."  
"I'll follow you!" Olivia said, "You need a female support there."  
"Yes, _please_." Kit said.  
"I should come too!" Esmé said.  
"_No!_" Kit screamed, "_I _should decide who's going with me to the hospital. And you can't come!"

And so, Kit, Jacques, Lemony and Olivia drove off.

In the morning, everyone woke up and went down to serve breakfast. Isadora came down with Sunny on her shoulders.

"Come on, let's give you some toast." she said.  
"Sunny Baudelaire." said Sunny, which meant "I am an excellent cook, you sapphic caretaker."  
"Alright, then make the toast yourself, little one. You're not a morning person, I see."

Isadora turned around to see Esmé sitting at the nearby table and grumpily sipping her coffee.

"Well, you're not as bad as Esmé."  
"Has that new baby come yet?" Esmé asked.  
"No." Josephine said, "Birth is something that takes time."  
"Ugh."  
"My mother said I was the prettiest baby she ever saw." Carmelita bragged.  
"Carmelita." Isadora said, "Newborn babies are fucking ugly. They are bloody and messy and look like old grumpy seniors."  
"Not me." Carmelita said stiffly.  
"No." Esmé groaned. "No, Carmelita, you were pretty ugly."  
"What? How do you know? You weren't there-"  
"Yes. I was. Your mother and I were very good friends for a while. I was there while she gave birth to you. She of course thought you were cute, she's your _mother_. But no, Carmelita, you were super ugly. You looked like a troll."

Carmelita shrugged. "Oh... well, I am atleast pretty now."

"No." Sunny said, and giggled. Isadora couldn't help to laugh with her. Carmelita laughed at them.

"Well, I wish you could wear some more makeup." Esmé admitted. "You got too many freckles. Freckles are not in."  
"But... I can't do much about my freckles."  
"There are ways." Esmé said harshly.

Carmelita looked like she started to form tears.

"Are you crying now?" Esmé asked. "You little brat."  
"You have to excuse Esmé." Josephine explained, "I don't know what's with her today. Perhaps it's just the time of the month-"  
"Shut up, Josephine!" Esmé growled.

Carmelita glared at them. "Well, I for once actually enjoyed the song they sang yesterday!"  
"Oh, you did... I thought there was one person who was sane here, but apparently not."  
"Esmé..."  
"Just shut up, Carmelita. Go and tap dance or something. That's the only thing you're good at. And that's not even that good."

Carmelita slowly walked away. Isadora could see she was crying, but wasn't sure she should say anything.

Suddenly, Jerome came into the room.

"I saw Carmelita looking sad. Has something happened?"  
"She's just so sensitive." Esmé groaned.  
"Honey..." Jerome said slowly.

Esmé stood up.   
"What?" she growled.  
"You have seemed very... moody, lately."  
"I have?"  
"Yes. Is something wrong? You can talk to me-"  
"Oh, but you don't understand anything, Jerome."

With that, Esmé stormed out from the room.

"Sheesh." Isadora said, and took a bite of the toast Sunny made for her.

If you wonder why Esmé was so angry, it was simply because Kit didn't let her follow her to the hospital. That was literally the only reason. But she would never admit that, so she is just a bitch to everyone. Also, she was a little emotional over all the murders, but she didn't want to admit that either. She wanted to stay strong.

She would probably have to apologise to Carmelita. But she didn't want to. Why was Carmelita so sensitive? Geez, she starts to cry over anything. Maybe she's entering puberty and have new hormones which makes her extra sensitive.

Esmé suddenly imagined Carmelita getting pimples all around her face, making her freckles stick out more. She didn't actually hate Carmelita's freckles. She just felt like pointing it out today. When Carmelita was born, Esmé was the first one after her parents to hold her. While Esmé really _did _think Carmelita looked like a troll, she could understand why so many people wanted to have a child. It could also be why she let Carmelita live with them so much. She kind of felt a mother's love to her.

But she wasn't Carmelita's mother, and that made it ok for her to also pick a little on her. Right?

Later that afternoon, there was a phone call. Montgomery was the one to answer.

"Hello? Lemony! Hello, hello! Has she- oh, I see. Ah-ha! Wow! Aw, that was- it was? I had a feeling! No, tell me! What? That's wonderful! Yes! I'll tell them! Thanks! Goodbye, see you tomorrow!"

"Who was it?" Fernald asked.  
"It was Lemony." Monty explained, "And he's got news!"

Suddenly, everyone in the mansion hurried down to hear, as if they had been waiting for a while.

"Has Kit gotten her baby?" Friday asked.  
"Yes!" Montgomery said. "Everything went well!"  
"Now tell us the important part!" Isadora groaned.

Monty smiled. "It's a girl."

Everyone cheered and giggled.

"And." Montgomery continued, "She has named her Beatrice."

Violet lit up. "Aww! After our mother?"  
"She always hoped to be as great of a mother as Beatrice was." Monty said, shedding a happy tear. "And, in tribute of Olivia, who was there to help her, Beatrice got Olivia as a middle name!"  
"Beatrice Olivia Snicket." Josephine said, "Sounds like a very nice name."  
"Yeah..." Esmé said, clenching her fists.

"Anyway." Montgomery said, "They will come home tomorrow. Kit wondered if they could borrow your crib, Sunny. Until we all have gotten home to our own houses."  
"Sure!" Sunny shrieked.  
"What will we do with all the empty cars?" Quigley asked.   
"Also, who will live here when we go home?" Violet asked.

The adults shared looks.

"We will figure it out." Miranda said and hugged Friday.

That night, Esmé was unable to sleep. She didn't know why, and she didn't know how. She just couldn't sleep. She felt too angry.

"Why am I angry?" she asked herself, quietly to not wake up anyone else. "Hm. People I know have died, that could be a factor. But oh well, I can live without them. What else? Kit didn't let me come to the hospital with her. What a bitch. Atleast I was there for Carmelita's birth. But that doesn't count! I never liked Carmelitas mother."

Suddenly, Esmé heard something coming from downstairs. She decided to investigate, since she had nothing to loose.

She noticed lights were on in the living rook. Probably it was Sunny who had woken up and needed to be calmed to sleep by reading a book, but she didn't know.

"Hello?" she said, "Who's in here?"

She slowly walked inside and saw two people. Or was it three? Four? More than one in any case.

More than one human sat in front of the fire, wearing black hoodies, and kind of whispered something.

"Hello? Who are-"

The humans turned around.

"What are you doing awake?" Esmé asked.

"We are... confessing our sins..." said one of them.  
"This is how you confess your sins, right? Whisper them... in front of a fire?"  
"That's not how you confess sins. Have you ever done that before?"

She was met by a wave of "uh..." and "eh..."

Suddenly, one of them took a knife out of their hoodie pocket.

"You haven't seen a thing."

"What the fuck, man? You can't just stab people like that."  
"I panicked!"

Everyone walked forward to the stabbed Esmé.

"Maybe she deserved to die."  
"Because she was grumpy today? I'll remember that next time you're having a mood swing."  
"But... yeah. I never liked her that much."  
"If we have killed her we might aswell hide the corpse. Or burn it... or dump it in the lake."  
"Guys, we promised to only kill the suspicious people."  
"You two promised that when you killed Widdershit. I didn't promise anything."  
"Oh, shut up."

The killers sighed. This was starting to get a little out of control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok... I was not as satisfied with this chapter. I recently listened to "With a few good friends" and felt so nostalgic, so I of course wanted to include it in the chapter lol. Hope you liked the chapter anyway.


	9. A kinda forced death

That morning, while everyone was eating breakfast and barely noticing Esmé was missing, they heard a car pulling up the driveway.

"It must be Kit!" Violet said.  
"And Jacques!" Quigley added.  
"And Lemony!" Jerome said.  
"And aunt Olivia!" Friday cheered.  
"Baby!" Sunny shrieked, which meant "Don't forget the little baby!"

They all went out to greet them.

"Hello!" Jacques said, stepping out of the car. "Lemony and I have a suprise for you."  
"We are proud." Lemony said, "A word which here means 'So excited to be related to this little child'."

Everyone gathered around as they lifted up a blanket with something inside of it. Then, Lemony and Jacques started to hum a very weird tune as they were holding the baby high up in the air.

Kit then walked out of the car, and sighed.

"They have been practicing this the whole car ride. Come on, proud uncles, give me my child."

Olivia was right behind Kit, as she carried the little thing into the mansion.

Later on, everyone was gathered in the living room and looked at the newborn baby sleeping in Kit's arms.

"Esmé lied." Carmelita admitted, "That baby isn't ugly at all."

Isadora was about to comment she also told Carmelita that newborn babies were ugly, but decided not to.

"Yeah, where's Esmé?" Miranda asked.   
"Don't know." Jerome shrugged. "She was pretty mad yesterday, so maybe she... I don't know, went somewhere?"  
"We can worry about her later." Lemony said, "Now let's focus on little Beatrice."  
"Chubby!" Sunny said, which meant "I want to bake her a cake!"  
"Well, she's too young for cakes right now." Kit giggled, "But soon enough, she will taste your wonderful cakes!"

Jacques held his arms around Olivia.

"What do you say we get one of those little nuggets?" he jokingly asked.  
"Wait, when did you two become a thing?" Fernald asked.  
"They have always been a thing." Lemony chuckled, "Though, I thought Olivia really had something going on with Esmé too."

"I would like a baby too." Violet smirked. "Quigley? Isadora? Fiona? What do you say? Let's have a baby."  
"Instagram!" Sunny protested, which meant "No, you're all underage! Why would even suggest something like that?"  
"I'm just kidding." Violet said.  
"But maybe when we're adults." Isadora said and kissed Violet's cheek.

This day was very special, because the Duchess of Winnipegs daughter, Jacquelyn, had just heard about her mothers passing. She did however not know about all the other deaths that occured, and no one planned to tell her either. But since she was the next Duchess of Winnipeg, it meant she was the new owner of the mansion. So, since they all technically were guests, they decided it was time to leave. Of course, they wanted to clean up the place before her arrival, so they did that too.

Now, the Baudelaire siblings and the Quagmire triplets stood outside the mansion. They stared at some of the cars. They wondered what they would do with the cars who no one could drive anymore, because the owners are dead. They also wondered what would happen to their houses. Would the Quagmire and Baudelaire residences be sold? What would happen?

Then, Kit walked up to them, holding Beatrice.

"Don't worry, children. You will come with me." she said.  
"With you?" Duncan asked, "Like, to your place?"

Before Kit could answer, Beatrice let out a cry. Kit rocked her slowly.

"As I said before, I think I might need help with the baby. And, I have been very close with both of your parents and it would be an honor to take you in."

The children smiled at her.

"If you're wondering what we will be doing with the cars." Kit said, "Both those and your respective houses will be all yours when you come of age."

Then, Jacques came up to them.

"Lemony and I have offered to drive you all home to Kit's, in the Baudelaire and Quagmire cars. If that's not... you know, traumatic."  
"No, it's fine." Violet said.  
"I'll be sitting next to Jacques while he drives the Baudelaire car." Olivia said, "You should always have two with a drivers license in a car."  
"But there's no other adult next to me." Lemony said.  
"Yay!" Isadora cheered, "That means we get to ride in a car with a more reckless driver!"  
"Kit?" Sunny asked.  
"I will drive the Snicket car with Beatrice." Kit explained. "The little baby needs some rest, so she can't have all the children screaming in the car."  
"Toddler!" Sunny said, which meant "I need a nap too, because I am still very small."  
"I was thinking that too." Kit said and gave Sunny a smile. "You will be riding with me so you and Beatrice can get some rest!"

Then, Fiona and Friday came to them to say goodbye.

"Goodbye!" Friday said and hugged everyone. "I'll miss you!"  
"We will miss you too." Klaus responded, and swung Friday around.  
"Goodbye." Fiona said slowly. She hugged everyone except Violet and Isadora. For Violet, she gave a small kiss on the mouth. For Isadora, almost a full makeout session, because of the adrenaline of already kissing one person before.  
"Hey, Nancy and Robin." Duncan said, "Not even me and Klaus make out like that."  
"You don't make out at all." Quigley chuckled, "Because you're too nervous."  
"Shut it." Klaus said. "Besides, we will live together now. Anything can happen."

"I wonder what happened to Esmé." Carmelita said.  
"Oh." Jerome answered, "I forgot to tell you!"

He folded up a note he had in his pocket.

"Dear Jerome, I have left. Will probably not come back. Don't worry about me. You can go hook up with some lumbermill owner or something, I don't know. Goodbye!"

Carmelita just shook her head. "Why does that sound like Esmé in an odd way?"

"Alright, we gotta go!" Jacques announced.

Fiona removed her lips from Isadora. She stared at her, and Violet, and everyone else in front of her. Then she said:

"Please, don't cause any more accidents."

Two hours by car. It would take atleast two hours more. But it seemed like all three of the cars were stopping at a gas station. The same gas station, even.

"The children needed to use the restroom." Jacques explained, "And we conveniently also need gas."  
"Same with us." Lemony said, "And I also am craving some gas station hot dogs."  
"Mine have already used their restrooms." Kit said, carrying Beatrice in her car seat on her right arm, Sunny on her left arm, and a diaper bag hanging on her shoulders.  
"I can smell that." Violet noted.  
"Innocent!" Sunny pouted, which meant "It was Beatrice! I'm a big girl!"  
"Sure you are, sweetie." Kit sighed, "But we still gotta change both of you. Come on."  
"I can help you." Olivia said.  
"Thank you, that would be helpful. Can you carry Sunny?"  
"Of course."

Kit handed over Sunny to Olivia and the two women headed for the restrooms.

"You know." Kit said, "This is one of the reasons Beatrice is named Olivia as her middle name."

After all the children had used the restrooms, they gathered outside to wait for their drivers.

"Ugh." Isadora groaned, "The restrooms were so gross."  
"Did you boys also have a light switch without a cover on it?" Violet asked.  
"Yep." Quigley said, "Even had a sign to be careful when using it."

They went into the store to see if they could buy some candy or something.

"Look, Violet." Isadora said and took out a soda. "This soda is called 'Purple isis'."  
"That's a strange name." Violet said.  
"Yes. But it's also kind of... us."  
"It is?"  
"Yeah. I mean, Isadora means 'the gift of isis'. Violet is a shade of purple, isn't it?"  
"Oh, it is. Will you look at that. A soda for us."

They shared a small kiss.

"Hey!" a man yelled, "I don't want to see that while i'm shopping!"

The girls looked at him.   
"What is it you don't want to see?" Violet asked.  
"Girls like you, kissing each other! And you're young, too! Jesus, what have the world become?"  
"Bitch." Isadora blurted out.

The man gave her a murderous glare.

"What's going on here?" Quigley said, running up to them. "Why are you yelling at my sister and my girlfriend?"

The man frowned. "Your _girlfriend _seems to cheat on you with your sister."

Quigley raised an eyebrow. "Why would she cheat on her own girlfriend?"  
"Wait." the man said. "I thought she was your girlfriend."  
"She is."  
"Then what-"  
"Sir, I am a bisexual in a polyamourous relationship." Violet explained, "You got any problem with that?"  
"Yes! A lot, actually. You're all so young! And polyamory is weird. And bisexual isn't even a real thing. Dear god, just fucking choose!"

Before anyone could answer him, he walked away as he just avoided conflict.

"Did Widdershit possess that guy?" Quigley asked.  
"What the heck happened?" Duncan asked, "Me and Klaus heard everything."  
"Can we like, get revenge on him?" Isadora asked. "Like, steal his car."  
"You can do what you want." Quigley said, "But I think we should just ignore him."  
"Mean people need to be punished." Violet said. "But maybe not steal his car. Maybe... pour water on him?"  
"It would be difficult to fix a bucket of water in this short time." Isadora shrugged.

Violet brought out a coloring pencil from her pocket. "Or we could just vandalise his car."

While the girls waited for the peace of ass to be out of sight of his car, Jacques and Lemony had finished filling up gas.

"Hey." Jacques said, "I'm gonna use the restroom."

After he walked away, Lemony turned away to the girls.

"What are you doing?" he whispered.  
"We're gonna vandalize the homophobe's car over there." Isadora said, "But he never leaves."  
"Hope he doesn't start to drive away." Violet said.

Lemony looked over at the man. Then he nodded. He walked forward.

"Hey, man." he said, "Have you been to the restrooms?"  
"Uh." the man said, "What kind of question is that?"  
"No, I was just asking, because there's a basketball team who just went into the store, so..."

The man looked up. "Oh. Then I better go just to be safe. Thanks, man."

He walked away, and Violet and Isadora took the chance to start to vandalize the car with pride.

However, what Isadora and Violet didn't know was that someone who listened to them when pitched revenge ideas, and fell stuck with the idea of pouring water on him. They had found a bucket in the back of their car earlier, and decided to fill it with water.

Right now, they walked into the men's restroom with a bucket of water and a black hoodie to cover their face.

They glanced at which stall the man walked into, and tried to calculate the right moment to pour the water over him. Was there someone else in the restroom? Then maybe it was more safe to do it with the lights turned off. It had to be quick.

With a glance, they turned the light switch off. Immidiately, someone reacted.

"Hey! Turn the lights back on!"

They didn't turn the lights back on. Instead, they stood on their toes and quickly poured the water over the stall.

"Ah!"

The prankster ran out of the restroom before they could see the reaction.

But, unfortunately they hadn't poured water over the man, but another man who was in the stall next to him.

"Oh no." Jacques sighed, "How am I explaining this to Kit and Lemony? I gotta dry myself off. Why would someone pour water on me?"

He walked out of the stall and tried to find the lights.

"Here's the sinks... which means the lights are over-"

As I may have mentioned earlier, the light switch had no covers on it, which meant you had to be very careful to turn it off and on. But when the room was completely dark and you had water dripping from your hands, it could be hard to be careful. Which was why Jacques was met by an electric shock when he touch the light switch.

And this electric shock made him faint.

And he never woke up.

The homophobic man ran out of the restroom, which made Violet and Isadora panic and jump into the bushes to hide.

"Hey!" he screamed. "A man died in here!"

Everyone ran over to look.

Sure enough, on the floor lied a Jacques, electrocuted to the core.

"Jacques?" Klaus asked, "Can you still drive?"  
"I don't think he can, Klaus." Duncan said.

Right then, Kit and Olivia came out with the babies.

"Sorry it took so long." Kit said, "Changing a newborn baby's diaper is more difficult than it seems.""  
"What's going on?" Olivia asked.  
"Olivia." Lemony sighed, "You need to drive the Baudelaire's car."  
"Me? What happened to Jacques?"  
"He... you need to drive it."

Olivia looked down on the ground, as if she knew. "Oh, I see."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The death was inspired by the "death by electrocution" in yandere simulator, so how unrealistic or not it is, it's what I came up with for now.


	10. This death was an accident too, I swear!

It had been 1 month since Jacques died. He, unlike the others who died, actually got buried in a graveyard.

The Quagmires and Baudelaires now lived with Kit, together with Kit's newborn baby Beatrice. They had grown quite comfortable in the home. Everyone helped around the house.

Violet invented a baby swing for Beatrice to play in, or just to calm her down if she was cranky.  
Klaus offered to give Beatrice bottles if Kit had been up all night with her and needed sleep.  
Sunny couldn't do much other than lightly pat on Beatrice's head or belly, but Beatrice seemed to be calmed by it. Sunny also helped to cook the lunch for everyone every now and then.  
Quigley sometimes took out Beatrice for a walk, if he himself wanted to explore some place in town.   
Isadora both sung nursery rhymes and read some baby books for Beatrice, and Sunny for that matter. Beatrice was still too young to really react, but she seemed to be calmed to sleep by the songs.  
Duncan mostly played peek-a-boo or rocked Beatrice in his arms.

"You know what I want." Kit said one day. "I would like a piano."  
"A piano?" Klaus asked, looking up from the book he was reading.

No one else was listening. Sunny was far too busy talking to Beatrice in her baby language.

"Makka Pakka!" Sunny shrieked, which meant "You are probably the most precious thing in the world."  
"Hey guys!" Kit said, "Focus!"  
"What?" Isadora said, looking up from her copy of _female finnish poets_.  
"Piano!" Kit exclaimed.  
"Piano." all the children said in unison.

This was a very weird conversation, but all you need to know was that they got a piano later.

The one they got the piano from was Montgomery Montgomery. He had owned a piano for many years and hadn't used it because of an incident. An incident he happily told the children about.

"I was so young." he explained, "And it was with Beatrice and Bertrand. We were all three around fifteen, and... well, we were opening the piano to see how it looked like inside. And Bertrand, that silly man, decided to climb inside."  
"Of course he did." Violet giggled. It was nice remembering her father, even though she of course missed him very much.  
"Yes." Montgomery said, "Well, he noticed how big of a space it was in there, so me and Beatrice climbed inside too... when we accidentally closed it and got locked in there."  
"Yikes." Quigley said.  
"And our friend Olaf, instead of helping us, he just laughed and took a picture of us!"

Suddenly, all the children around him started to laugh. It must of course be hard to be locked inside a piano, but both the Baudelaires and the Quagmires knew that if they were seeing their friends locked inside a piano, they would probably laugh and take a picture too.

Fernald had come there to, to help lift the piano up to the second floor, where Kit had told them she wanted the piano. Fiona couldn't come, because she was busy with burning up all the pictures of captain Widdershins in their submarine. The only picture of him she wasn't going to burn was a very small picture of him in a box.

"Beatrice has grown so much!" Fernald said, glancing at the sleeping baby in Violets arms.  
"Little My!" Sunny said, which meant "She is still very small."  
"Shall we start to lift the piano?" Montgomery asked.  
"Of course." Kit said, "Children, can you start? I'm gonna put Beatrice in her crib. I think she needs a nap."  
"Sure thing." Violet said, and handed over the baby to her mother. Beatrice got a little confused by being handed over and started to cry, but quickly went silent when she realised it was her mother who held her, and she calmed down.

Getting a piano from the first floor to the second was not easy. It needed very many people.

Monty, Violet and Quigley carried the right side of the piano, while Duncan, Fernald and Isadora carried the left. Klaus and Kit switched carrying left and right, depending on which side who needed it the most.

Sunny was far too small to even reach the piano, so her assignment was to watch where they were going.

"Higher!" Sunny ordered, as they carried it up the stairs. They didn't really need to go higher, Sunny just liked to shout words.  
"Isn't it hard to carry the piano with the hooks?" Duncan asked.  
"Yeah, but I can manage." Fernald said, "There's much harder things to carry."

They slowly climbed step after step in the stairs, until they reached the top.

"I think we can let go now." Monty said, as everyone had reached the top and now were standing in a circle while holding the piano.

They slowly put it down.

"Well, we gotta move it a little, but we'll fix that later." Kit said. "Thanks everyone for your help."  
"You're welcome." Fernald said, "But uh... my hooks are stuck. I can't get them out."

Sure enough, Fernalds hooks had buried themselves at the wood under the piano. He tried to drag them out, but failed.

"No worries!" Montgomery cheered, "I have a pincer in my bag! Wait here!"

He ran the down the stairs to get his bag. Meanwhile, the others tried to push the hooks out.

"Wait, if we tip it over." Violet said, "Or to the side..."  
"Good idea." Quigley said.

The children worked together to try to tip it over. They couldn't quite do it, but they managed to push it towards the fences near the stairs. From there, they decided to push towards it, while Fernald tried to pull out his hooks.

"I think it's working!" Fernald said, "They are moving!"  
"Keep pushing!" Duncan ordered, and tried to push even harder.

It should be noted that the piano was taller than the fences near the stairs. Because just as Fernald managed to get his hooks out, the children pushed in a way that made the piano finally tip over.

Tip over and fall down to the first floor.

Where Montgomery Montgomery just walked by.

A big crash was heard.

Beatrice woke up from the sound at started crying in the other room.

Sunny cried too because she didn't like the loud sound either.

Isadora and Violet hugged each other tightly.

Quigley ran towards the room where Beatrice was, before Kit could.

When Kit realised someone watched her daughter, she went to check on the piano.

Duncan had hesitantly grabbed Klaus's glasses because whenever he got scared, he had to grab something.

Fernald just stood there, in shock.

There was no sound coming from Montgomery Montgomery.

"Oh no, the piano..." Kit said. "And Monty... is he ok?"

The children ran down, and helped each other to lift the piano.

Underneath lied Montgomery Montgomery. He looked pretty unharmed at first glance, but... he was unconcious.

"We need to call an ambulance!" Duncan said, and jumped away to call one.

"This is my fault..." Fernald mumbled, "It was me who got the hooks stuck."  
"No, it's our fault." Klaus said, "We pushed and lifted the piano over an unsafe place."  
"It was my fault!" Kit said, "I was the one who wanted to have the piano here in the first place."  
"Blame." Sunny whispered, which meant "It was really Montys fault because he had the piano in the first place."

Fernald looked devastated. "It's my fault, it's my..."

The ambulance came very fast. Everyone followed to the hospital, and waited anxiously outside.

"If he doesn't make it..." Fernald said, "If h-he..."  
"Calm down." Violet said, "This was an accident. No one is to blame."  
"But... he..."

Suddenly, a doctor came out to them.

"We are happy you were confident to come out to us complete strangers." Isadora said, "But how is Montgomery?"  
"Sorry." said the doctor, "Well... he... he has gotten a serious concussion. It was a very large object that dropped on him."  
"Oh..." Violet said.  
"I'm sorry. Montgomery Montgomery won't survive, even with the biggest of surgery."

Everyone looked really, really devastated, especially Fernald.

But instead of crying, or making a scene, Fernald just stood up.

"I can't live knowing i'm a murderer."

Then, he walked out and drove home.

"Shall we... follow him?" Duncan asked, rocking Beatrice in his arms.  
"No." Violet said, "He'll be fine. Fiona is at the submarine. She can calm him down."  
"I hope so." Isadora sniffed. "It wasn't his fault."  
"All this is entirely the blame of some people else..." Violet said.


	11. This was not a murder...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This is the saddest chapter yet. I felt emotional writing this. I have also planned this specific character for this specific death, so it's no randomizer here.

Fernald came home some hour after dinner.

"There you are!" Fiona said, "I was preparing some food for you."  
"Thanks..." Fernald mumbled. He was not happy.  
"Hey, what's wrong? Did you think about stepfather mocking your hooks again?"  
"No... I... it has just been a very rough day."

Fiona and Fernald weren't people who talked a lot about their feelings. It was something they been taught by their stepfather to not do, and so they didn't. It was another reason Fiona burned almost all of the pictures of him.

"I'm going to go to bed." Fiona shrugged.  
"Ok." Fernald said. Then he took a deep breath. "Fiona, I want you to know I love you very much."

Fiona glanced at her brother. "I love you too, Fernald. Goodnight."  
"Goodnight." Fernald said. He gave her a smile, hiding the tears he had in his eyes. Fiona gave him a weird look, but smiled too.

Fernald sighed, and looked at a window. He wondered how much pressure the submarine was under.

Fiona woke up the next morning as usual. She ate some breakfast, and wondered if Fernald had woken up yet.

She went to his room. His bed was empty.

"Where the heck did you go this early?" Fiona mumbled to herself.

She noticed a letter on his desk, and opened it.

_Dear Fiona._   
_I don't know how to say this, so I guess I just have to take it from the beginning._

"What the fuck?" she whispered.

_Yesterday, I dropped the piano I was carrying. It was an accident, but it fell right on Montgomery Montgomery. He... he didn't make it._   
_He died because of me, Fiona. Because of my clumsiness._   
_The others told me it was no ones fault, it was a full accident._   
_But I know what happened. It was my fault._   
_I can't live with the knowledge that I have killed another human._   
_I don't know who murdered all those people at Winnipegs. But I know I could never do anything like that myself. And now when I have done it, I feel awful. I can't live with myself._

_Fiona, I love you so much. But if I can accidentally drop a piano on an innocent man, I could probably do something much worse in the future. And you are the last person I want to hurt. I am under a lot of pressure._

_Literally. Not only because i'm in a submarine. Because when you read this, I have gone out of the submarine. I have gone out of the world._

_Goodbye, Fiona. Take care. I love you so much._

Fiona put the letter down.

"What?" she whispered.

She couldn't really process what she just read. She was just confused, a little annoyed, and kinda sad. What excactly did Fernald mean?

Suddenly, she saw something float on the outside of the submarine, and decided to check what it was.

She quickly put on her diving suit, and went out to look.

With only a flashlight, she tried to locate the weird thing she saw.

She first saw a diving helmet, who stuck on some large stone and with the lightest touch sank to the bottom. She followed it, and saw something that scarred her for life.

Fernald lied, with lifeless eyes, on the bottom. He had gone out while Fiona was sleeping, and taken off his helmet in the middle of the ocean. The pressure, and lack of oxygen, made him not live that much longer.

Fiona immediately knew what to do. She grabbed her brother, and carried him back to the submarine, which was suprisingly easy. After that, she steared the submarine up to the surface, and drove towards the nearest beach.

After that, she struggled to carry her brother out of the submarine, down to the nearest pier, and into the city.

Fiona was a strong girl, but carrying a grown man was difficult if you did it for too long. But she had to. She was very headstrong, and she couldn't just leave him on the bottom of the sea. He needed to rest somewhere proper.

It was 3 pm, and the Snicket-Baudelaire-Quagmire household was wide awake.  
Beatrice was crying, and Kit sat in the living room and fed her.  
Duncan and Quigley took turns telling a story for Sunny.  
Violet and Isadora shared a bed and cuddled  
Klaus was reading some book.

Suddenly, someone knocked on the door. Kit put Beatrice in her baby swing and opened.

Outside, she saw Fiona, soaking wet and all red in her face. And Fernalds lifeless body.

"Fiona... what has happened?"

Fiona was just about to answer when she broke down crying.

"Hey..." Violet said, rubbing her eyes. "Why is Fiona here?"  
"And why is she carrying a corpse?" Klaus asked.  
"Fiona!" Isadora exhaled. Fiona was her other girlfriend, and she cared about her just as much as Violet.  
"I'll take care of Fernald." Kit sighed. "Go inside, Fiona. We will fix this."

Fiona nodded, and hugged Isadora tightly while crying.

"Fiona..." Isadora said, and somehow felt like she was crying too. She hesitantly grabbed Fiona and kissed her. She was supposed to kiss her softly, but it turned into an aggressive hormonal kiss. Which was very fine, because Fiona really needed that right now.

"Thanks." Fiona said, and felt her crying ease. "I needed that."  
"Fourth wall!" Sunny said, which meant "Why are you copying what the author just wrote?"  
"What excactly happened?" Violet asked.  
"Fernald..." Fiona sighed. "He... I couldn't leave him there."

She felt the tears coming again. Her back hurt very much.

"Hey." Violet said slowly. Now, it was her turn to walk up to Fiona and kiss her. And Violet actually kissed softly. Fiona smiled at her.

"I'm sorry, girls." she whimpered, "I don't think your kisses can make me feel better right now, even though they calm me."

Isadora dragged her to the living room.

"You see the baby lying in the baby swing over there?" Isadora asked.  
"Yes?"  
"Sit on the couch."

Fiona sat down on the couch, while Isadora lifted Beatrice up.

"Hey, Bea... sch... it's just me. Yes. Hey, you're gonna be held by a new person. She is super nice, but she is a little sad. Maybe you can help her with your cuteness. Are you wearing a clean diaper? I believe you do. Now, are you ready?"

Isadora reached Beatrice over to Fiona, who carefully took her. She had barely held any baby before and was nervous.

"Now." Isadora explained, as everyone gathered around Fiona. "Try to tell us what happened. Beatrice is your supporting animal right now."

Fiona took a deep breath, and with a broken voice told them about the letter she found, how she examined what was floating outside the submarine, how she just had to bring Fernald somewhere else. Somehow, having a baby in her arms made it easier to tell. Beatrices smell, of baby powder and newly washed clothes, and her innocent glance at this strange girl... it comforted Fiona.

"Fiona, that is so messed up." Quigley said. Sunny sat in his lap and sucked her thumb, and nodded, agreeing with Quigley.  
"And the fact you carried him all this way..." Duncan said, "You must be exhausted."  
"I am." Fiona sighed.

"We tried to talk to him." Violet explained, feeling like she had a stone in her throat. "We... told him it wasn't his fault. Monty's death was an accident..."  
"Yeah..." Fiona said, "People have been dying left and right for the past time... I just didn't think... _he _would... he _could_..."

Fiona felt her tears building up inside her eyes, and hugged Beatrice tightly for comfort.

"Well, one thing is clear." Isadora said, "Fernald was not the winnipeg murderer."  
"No." Sunny said, as if she knew.

The children were quiet for a while, before Kit came in.

"Fiona." she said. "Come out."  
"I have already come out." Fiona said, "I'm gay."

Kit rolled her eyes. "That doctor did the same thing yesterday, the joke's getting a little tiresome."  
"Sorry." Fiona sighed, "I have a lot of feelings, and they're getting mixed-"  
"It's fine. Come with me. You can bring Beatrice."

Fiona slowly followed Kit outside, with Beatrice in her arms.

"I have buried him." Kit said.  
"What?"

Kit dragged Fiona out to the garden. Sure enough, there was a pit on the ground, which Kit had digged, and now refilled.

"You..." Fiona said, but was unable to speak.  
"I thought I just had to get it overwith. We can't have a corpse lying around the house. And besides..."

She pointed at another pit nearby.

"The doctors didn't know what to do with Montgomerys body." Kit explained, "So I said we might aswell bury him here. And, I thought, if Fernald and Monty was buried in the same place now when both have died... they..."

Kit started to cry.

"What am I doing!" she cried, "This just sounds insane!"  
"No!" Fiona yelled, "It doesn't, Kit! I... I like it."

Fiona watched the newly buried grave of her brother.

"I came here so spontaneously, crying, with a corpse. No one wants a corpse in their house, unless it's buried."

Kit gave her a hug. She kissed Fiona on the forehead, and then grabbed little Beatrice.

"When you have children, you act much more on impulse. Anything you feel is right. I don't know if burying Fernald here was right, but... he will rest in peace."  
"I hope so." Fiona sniffed, "It's better than the bottom of the sea."  
"Yeah. No one should be buried abandoned in the bottom of the sea."  
"Except my stepfather." Fiona growled.

Kit shook her head. "Maybe. Hey, Fiona. You're with us now."  
"But I have a submarine to take care of..."  
"Doesn't matter. I want you here. I don't want you roaming around the sea all alone at such a young age."  
"But it's so... spontaneous."  
"Yes. But you came her for a reason, didn't you?"

Fiona bit her lip. She glanced at the Baudelaires, and the Quagmires, and then back at Kit.

"Yes..."


	12. It's raining blood! Hallelujah!

Several weeks had passed, and everyone in the Snicket-Baudelaire-Quagmire-Widdershins household was doing better and better. Little Beatrice grew more every day, and could almost lift up her own head, which meant she spent a lot of time lying like a turtle on the floor and stared at peoples feet.

Fiona had a hard time losing her brother, and often went to his grave to put some flowers every now and then. But it was easier when she had her girlfriends, and Kit, and little Beatrice for comfort.

Right now, they were all sitting in the living room and enjoyed each others company.   
Klaus was telling Duncan all about how a man could get himself to Timbuktu because of some cats, and Duncan happily wrote down all the details.  
Quigley was braiding Fionas hair, who was braiding Violets, who was braiding Isadoras.  
Sunny got inspired by the older children and tried to braid Kits hair, while Kit was feeding Beatrice.

Suddenly, the phone rang. Kit handed over Beatrice to Klaus, and answered. Five minutes later, she returned.

"Jerome called." she said, "He wonders if we want to go over there."  
"Of course." Duncan said.  
"Rich!" Sunny shrieked, which meant "Jerome has a bunch of cool stuff!"  
"Yes, he does." Kit giggled, "He said he has bought a new machine or something to help dealing with inner aggression."  
"Oh, yes!" Isadora exclaimed, "I really need that."

An hour later, everyone was over at 667 dark avenue. As the elevator reached the penthouse floor, they were met by Carmelita Spats.

"Ugh, the cakesniffers are already here." she groaned.  
"Don't worry, Carmelita." Violet said, "It's a big house. You can avoid us easily."  
"Welcome!" Jerome greeted, coming up to hug the guests. "Wow, how Beatrice have grown."  
"Thank you for inviting us." Kit said, "We need to think about some other stuff."  
"No problem. I... have some troubles myself."

He shifted his glance on Carmelita, who rolled her eyes.

"Isn't she going home to her parents soon?" Kit whispered.  
"Yeah, I hope so." Jerome whispered back, "They want her back, but they are always caught up in work. But hopefully in the end of the week, she'll return."  
"Where's that aggression machine?" Isadora asked.

Everyone went silent.

"I'm sorry, but I need to get out my aggression." she continued.  
"Of course." Jerome said.

Isadora patted Beatrice's head. "Sorry, I love you but you can't always be my comfort pillow."

Beatrice frowned at her and made a small burp as an answer.

"You don't have to be impolite." Isadora said. But she smiled and kissed the little baby on the forehead.

They were lead to a room in the back of a corridor. In there was a full shelf of wood, sitting on a small platform. And in front of them, a large turbine.

"Welcome to my new way to deal with stress and aggression." Jerome said.   
"You throw innocent people into the turbine?" Fiona asked.  
"No!" Jerome exclaimed. "No, I throw the wood in there! Why would I throw people in there?"  
"I don't know." Quigley said, "Maybe you really didn't think through before it was too late."

Jerome stared at the young boy. "I have a room with psycology books and numbers to helplines."  
"No thanks, i'm fine." Quigley said and smiled almost too much.  
"Anyway." Duncan said. "Can we try it?"  
"Of course!" Jerome said.

He gave a chop of wood to Duncan and pulled a lever. The turbine started to move, in a pretty fast rate.

"Now." Jerome said, "Throw it!"

Duncan threw the wood as good as he could. He was always the more careful thrower of the bunch. But the wood got chipped into small pieces and Duncan felt oddly satisfied.

"I feel oddly satisfied." he said, thinking he was clever for copying the author.  
"Sheesh." Carmelita frowned, "You are all just a bunch of morons."  
"Miranda Piker." Sunny said, which meant "I would like to turn you into candy powder."  
"I never understand anything you're saying, twirp." Carmelita muttered.  
"Why so grumpy?" Isadora asked, "You have literally nothing to be grumpy about."

After she said that, she violently threw wood into the turbine.

"Wow, it really does make you feel oddly satisfied."

The loud sound of the turbine made Beatrice cry, so Kit walked out with her.

All of the children tried to throw wood at the turbine, and all of them felt oddly satisfied.

Violet tried to throw multiple ones, and looked in delight as it rained mulch in front of her.  
Fiona carved the wood into mushroom shaped sculptures, and then threw them inside to see if the raining mulch would be mushroom shaped too. It was not, so she just wasted a nice sculpture. But she got less mad when she threw another piece of wood into it.

"Wow, you're really enjoying this." Jerome said, peeking thorugh the door. He had gone away to help Kit wipe baby puke of her shirt.   
"Hey, Jerome." Quigley said, "Do you know why Carmelita is so grumpy?"

Jerome sighed. "She has been like this since I told her you guys was coming over. I don't know if you have any unresolved fights with her, or...?"  
"We always have unresolved fights with Carmelita." Isadora said. "Heck, I even bet little Beatrice have an unresolved fight with her."

Violet snorted. "Yeah, in a fight with who had the cutest baby sneeze."  
"Beatrice won!" Sunny shrieked.

Everyone laughed.

Everyone except Jerome.

"Guys, be nice to Carmelita. She doesn't have it that easy."  
"But she's a pain in the... butt." Duncan said.  
"You can said pain in the ass like a man, Dunc." Isadora hissed.  
"Don't hiss at my boyfriend!" Klaus protested.  
"Then don't be boyfriend to the one i'm hissing!"

Jerome shook his head. He pulled the lever to the turbine off.

"If you need to argue then argue in the argument room. But someone can get hurt if they argue in here."

Isadora and Klaus nodded and walked away to find the argument room. They didn't really have to argue, but now they got encouraged to continue.

"I'm gonna check on Kit." Jerome said, but accidentally stumbled on his shoes. "Oh, my shoelaces have gone up again. They go up so easily nowadays."

He walked out, but before he completely went out of the room, he turned around and gave the children a suspicious glance.

Violet and Fiona decided to take a walk around the penthouse to just spend some time together.

"How do you feel?" Violet asked.  
"I don't know." Fiona said. "I feel like throwing wood made us all feel better, but then we get angered as easily again."  
"It gets like that." Violet smiled. "We spend time with the same people all the time, so eventually we can start to bicker."  
"But it feels like you and I haven't spent much time together..."  
"Yeah, I know... I think I have spent most of my time with Isadora. Not with you, or with Quigley. I'm together with you two, too."  
"It's fine, that's what happens sometimes." Fiona said, and smiled. "I didn't think about it either."  
"But i'm glad we're spending time now." Violet smirked.

Fiona gave her a mischevious glance back, and the two girls shared a long kiss.

"Ew!"

They interrupted their tender moment to see Carmelita in the hallway.

"Get a room, you two."  
"You can get a room." Violet hissed. "Like, there are hundreds of rooms you can be in."  
"You two can also be in any of the hundred rooms."

Fiona sighed. "What do you want?"

Carmelita didn't respond, and just stared at them.

"I said what-"  
"I know." Carmelita growled.

Now it was Violet and Fiona's turn to just stare.

"I know what you did." Carmelita said.  
"And what did we do?" Fiona asked.  
"I know all too well what you did... and I will prove it."  
"We have no clue what you are talking about." Violet said nervously. She did have no clue, but she was nervous it was some secret who you can't even write in your diary because it is so secret.

Carmelita pointed at them.

"You two... you make me sick."  
"Why?" Fiona asked, "Because we kissed?"  
"No, because you're kissing in a hallway where you don't live! That's so impolite! Yuck!"

Then, she walked off, almost stepping on Violets feet.

"You know." Violet said, "I gotta make some more mulch."

She stomped back into the room.

"Oh, hey Violet." Quigley said in a flirty voice. He sat next to Duncan and just stared into oblivion.  
"I don't have time for any flirty talk right now." Violet said. "I am mad at Carmelita because she almost stepped on my feet."  
"Ok, but have you seen Sunny?"  
"Not now!" Violet screamed and aggressively pulled the lever to the turbine.

But right as she did, Jerome came running into the room as if he could sense her pulling it.

"No! Turn it off!"  
"What's wrong?" Violet asked, as she turned it off.  
"Only adults can pull the levers!"  
"Why?"  
"Because of dangerous risks!"

Isadora and Klaus came into the room again, holding Sunny and Beatrice respectively.

"What's going on?"  
"Turbine senses." Kit giggled, walking into the room too. "Classic."

Jerome took a deep breath. "Sorry." he said, "I just don't want to take risks into letting anyone pull the lever to the turbine without my permission."  
"I get it."  
"Now, do you want to throw some more wood?"  
"Yes."  
"Ok, let me handle the lever and you say when you throw, ok?"

Violet walked up to the platform where the woods were located.

She gave Jerome a thumbs up as she grabbed a piece. "Now!"

I mentioned earlier that Jeromes shoelaces loosened up all the time. Well, they had done it again, and it's unclear at the moment if the flied into it or if someone tied them to it... someone unmentioned probably tired them to the turbine, I mean this is a murder mystery. But anyway, the shoelaces got stuck on the turbine as Jerome pulled the lever... and he got dragged into it.

That turbine was really sharp, and... to put it mildly, it chopped him into pieces...?

It was raining blood over the room. Kit ran forward and turned off the turbine. But it was too late. She questioned how Jerome could even have these things inside. But he's rich as heck, or the author simply needed an excuse for the death type "thrown into blades/turbine".

If someone did tie his shoelaces to the turbine, we may or may not know later who it was and why.

But all you need to know now is that Carmelita got sent home to her parents, since you know, she still got them. And the rest of the characters... they just silently drove home again.


	13. Splish splash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it took so long to write this chapter mainly because I didn't know what to do. But I came up with more things as I wrote, so here it is.  
Probably a bit messy. But anyway.

The children were visiting Friday and Miranda on their beach house. Kit and Beatrice were staying at home, which meant the children took the bus to Miranda and Friday alone. They heard Olivia was there too.

"I heard they bought a motor boat." Fiona said, "That's fun. Maybe they will let us ride."  
"Ooh, did we bring some swimwear?" Isadora asked, "Maybe we can jump into the water from the boat if we ride it."

Violet and Sunny smirked, and dug through a bag she had.

"Always!" Violet cheered.  
"You didn't get those ugly purple swimtrunks I have?" Klaus asked.  
"Of course I took them!" Violet said teasingly, "But don't worry. I also have Duncan's polka dot trunks. You two can be awkward together."  
"The one thing I think my mother did who was a terrible mistake." Duncan sighed.  
"Besides being heteronormative as fuck." Isadora noted.

Everyone was quiet.

"But..." Quigley said awkwardly, "I miss our mother. And father."  
"Yeah..." Violet said, "We shouldn't think about everyone who we have lost. Let's have fun with the Calibans."

Everyone nodded, but stayed silent during the rest of the bus trip.

Before they could even arrive, they were met by Friday, running happily towards them.

"Hi!" she cheered, "I have been so excited for you to come to us!"  
"Pleasure!" Sunny said and grinned.

Miranda and Olivia walked up to them.

"Welcome." Miranda said.  
"Thank you." Klaus said, "We needed to get away."  
"I see you brought swim clothes!" Olivia said, "That's great! We were just gonna get the boat!"  
"Unless you want to eat first?" Friday asked.  
"Oh no, I don't want to get cramps." Quigley admitted.  
"You don't get cramps, you idiot." Isadora said, "That's just a myth parents make up to make their children afraid of water."

Miranda smiled in a kind of sad way, and followed the children down to the beach.

The motor boat was pretty large, atleast large enough to fit everyone on it. As they approached it, a familiar voice was heard.

"What are the cakesniffers doing here?"

Everyone stopped.

"Oh, did we say we invited Carmelita?" Miranda said, "Her parents called this morning and asked if she could be here today, as they are working late."  
"But I didn't know _they _would be here!" Carmelita exclaimed, in a kind of anxious tone.  
"Pleasure to see you too, again." Fiona muttered.

Carmelita glared at them.

"I know what you fuckers did."  
"Carmelita, don't swear!" Olivia ordered.

Miranda sighed, and dragged Carmelita to the side.

"Carmelita, I know you're still shocked after what happened with Jerome, and-"  
"You don't understand!" Carmelita protested, "They- haven't you realised that... every time there has been someone dying, they have been there?"

Miranda frowned. "Carmelita... first of all, not always. Some deaths at Winnipegs, I can assure you they weren't involved with. And second of all, this is a very serious blame."  
"They have..." Carmelita sniffed, "They have always been close... whenever someone has died."  
"Well, haven't you, too?"

Carmelita froze.

"I wasn't there when Jacques... or Monty, and... and Fernald didn't get murdered-"  
"Calm yourself."

Carmelita took deep breaths.

"Please, Miranda. There is something up with them. Atleast, two or three of them have something hidden."  
"Everyone has things hidden, dear. But I will keep an eye on them, okay? If it makes you happy."

Carmelita looked down on the ground, and slowly nodded.

"Mom!" Friday called, "Olivia said we could go and change to our swimwear!"  
"Alright, sweetie!"

Miranda turned back to Carmelita and gave her a small pat on the shoulder.

Half an hour later, everyone was dressed in swimwear. Klaus and Duncan blushed as they didn't like their swimming trunks one bit.

"Okay, are you ready to get this baby started?" Olivia asked.  
"Yeah!" almost everyone cheered.  
"Alright!"

Olivia started the engine, as everyone held on tightly. Soon enough, they sped off.

"Tickle!" Sunny giggled.  
"Yes, it goes really fast!" Duncan agreed.  
"Where would be a good place to stop?" Miranda asked.  
"What?" Olivia asked, not hearing because of the loud engine.  
"I said where would be a good place to stop?"  
"I don't know! Is the water deep enough?"  
"I think so!"

Miranda slowed down the engine a bit, making everyone hear better.

"Okay, do you guys want to jump off here?"  
"Swim!" Sunny shrieked.

Isadora dug through the bag of towels and other stuff.

"Uh, did we pack Sunny's inflatable armbands?"  
"Oh, fuck!" Violet groaned, "No! I forgot them."  
"Inflate?" Sunny asked, which meant something like "Can't I swim without them?"

Violet sighed.

"No, Sunny. You are a small toddler. It's too dangerous for you to swim without anything inflatable to keep you on the surface."  
"And now when I think about it." Olivia said, "Sunny shouldn't even swim on these deep waters even if she had her armbands or anything else. It might sink, or be unsteady..."

Sunny looked very pissed, but accepted her fate.

"Atleast you got to ride a motor boat!" Klaus said, and tickled his baby sister.  
"I guess." Sunny shrugged.  
"You know what?" Quigley said, "I can stay here with you, Sunny. Someone has to keep watch while everyone else is swimming around."

Sunny smiled at this and tried to grip Quigley's hair.

"I can stay here, too..." Carmelita said, "To... keep an eye on the boat, so nothing happens."  
"Ok, but now I want to swim!" Friday announced.  
"Everyone else can jump into the water." Olivia said, "I will just stop the boat so you can climb up to it later."

Friday smiled, and without hesitation jumped into the water.

"Hey, I was gonna go first!" Isadora giggled.  
"No, because I will be faster!" Violet announced, and dived into the water.

Isadora jumped in with Fiona behind her. After them, Klaus and Duncan jumped in hand in hand.

"It's cold!" Friday exclaimed.  
"No, it's warm!" Isadora said.  
"It's warmer at the top, but colder further down." Duncan explained.

Olivia stopped the boat a little further off where the kids had jumped off. Miranda smiled.

"I don't think i'm gonna swim." she said, "I like just being on the boat."  
"Yeah, me too." Quigley said. He noticed Carmelita giving him a suspicious look. He gave her a confused face in response, not understanding what was wrong.

Sunny saw her siblings and friends splashing each other and laughing. She wished she was bigger.

"Swim." she said.  
"Yeah, they are swimming." Quigley nodded. He had to admit, he didn't fully understand Sunny, but he tried.  
"I'm swimming." Sunny said.

Quigley looked a little confused.

"I can swim." Sunny mumbled.  
"I'm... sure you can." Quigley shrugged.

Sunny waddled over to the egde of the motor boat.

"I can swim!"

Without hesitation, she jumped into the water.

"Sunny!"  
"Oh no!"  
"Sunny, i'm coming!"  
"Oh, shit!"

Everyone. Violet, Isadora, Fiona, Friday, Klaus, Duncan. They all swam in the highest speed to rescue Sunny.

"Olivia, i'm going in!" Miranda said and quickly dived into the water.  
"Me too!" Olivia exclaimed, "Quigley, Carmelita, try to move the boat in case Sunny got under it."

Quigley hurried to the motor, but Carmelita stopped him.

"No! I will steer!"  
"Ok!" Quigley said in panic. If Carmelita wanted to steer, if she now knew how to do it quicker, she could do it.

"I got her!" Fiona said, "I got her feet- fuck, she's upside down-"

Before Fiona could finish the sentence, Violet came up to the surface very close to Fiona, almost out of nowhere so Fiona got a little startled, with Sunny's head.

"Sunny!" Klaus, Duncan and Isadora screamed.

Sunny coughed, which was a relief to everyone.

"Oh, Sunny!" Olivia exclaimed, "I'm so glad you're okay."  
"But where's my mother?" Friday asked.

Olivia glanced at the motor boat, which Carmelita just managed to start.

"Hey, move the boat a little more! Miranda could be under it!"  
"Carmelita, move the boat!" Quigley demanded.  
"Shut up, i'm doing it!"

She managed to turn the boat around, and steer away a little further to everyone.

"Carmelita, it's the wrong way!" Quigley screamed.  
"Shut up! I know, you cakesniffer! Just let me fix it!"

Just then, Miranda turned up to the surface.

"I was... I was at the bottom of the ocean. Thought Sunny might've sunk there."  
"I live." Sunny said.

Miranda let out a happy sigh.

"Well, that's a big relief. I was afraid I was-"  
"Look out!"

Carmelita had turned the motor boat in full speed towards everyone in the water.

"Carmelita, you're going to hit them!" Quigley screamed.  
"Sunny, get on my back!" Violet ordered. It was heavy carrying her sister while she also had to keep herself above surface, and she thought it would be easier this way. It wasn't easier at all, but the two sisters atleast managed to swim away.

Everyone swam into different directions, as Quigley pushed Carmelita aside and made the boat slow down as fast as he could.

The boat stopped, and no one seemed to be harmed.

"You have to be careful!" Olivia explained, "Or else you could've hit-"

Before she could finish the sentence, everyone heard a large _thump! _coming from under the boat.

"Everyone stay still!" Olivia demanded, and dove down under the boat.

She quickly returned up with Miranda on her shoulder.

"Mommy!" Friday yelled, "Is she okay?"

Miranda didn't seem to cough or make any sound at all.

"I think she fainted by the hit of the boat! Let's get her to the shore, come on!"

Everyone got up on the boat, and huddled in towels. Miranda lied unconsious next to Friday and Olivia.

"Don't worry." Olivia said, "She'll be fine."

As they reached the shore, there was a man on the beach, Mr. Poe, who lived nearby.

"I called the ambulance." he said, "I saw everything as I was sunbathing in my work uniform."  
"Okay?" Violet said.  
"You know, whoever drove that boat deserves to be taken by the authorities!"

Carmelita suddenly looked up.

"I... I drove it."  
"You, little child?" Mr. Poe asked surpised.  
"Yes. I drove the boat that made Miranda get hurt... because I didn't trust those _cakesniffers _to steer! They would've probably killed her!"

As she said that, Olivia noticed there was blood dripping from Mirandas head.

"She's bleeding!" Friday cried, "That means she's going to die! Blood always means that!"

All the females in the area exchanged a look, but as everyone, they were also now more worried.

"It's probably from hitting the boat." Olivia said.  
"Yes, I know, but bleeding from the head is serious!"

Olivia admitted to herself that she was much more worried by this.

The ambulance came really quickly.

"How long has she been unconsious?" one of them asked.  
"For about ten minutes..." Olivia said, "We suspect she has fainted."  
"Have you tried to wake her up?"  
"Yes." everyone said.

To be honest, they didn't try so much. Mostly because Olivia was the one holding her, and was in too much shock to really not do much more than shaking and feeling her heartbeat. And everyone else were children, and they assumed the adult one was going to fix this.

"I-I can hear her heartbeat." Olivia said. "So she's still alive."

The ambulance workers took her and felt.

"Uh... we don't feel a heartbeat."  
"What? But it was beating really hard!"  
"Perhaps it was your own heart?"

Olivia stood in shock, realising they may have been right. Everyone started to form tears.

"Now..." Mr. Poe said, "Young Carmelita here was the one making the boat hit Miranda."  
"N-no!" Carmelita said, "Quigley stopped the boat, I-"  
"I'm sure this was all a big accident." another ambulance worker said. "But this is a tradgedy, and... there is nothing we can do."  
"What?!" Fiona exclaimed, "You aren't even gonna- what the fuck?!"  
"Her heart has stopped beating. She obviously drowned."  
"She probably already was under the water for very long because of Carmelita!" Mr. Poe said, and started to cough.

Olivia bursted out crying. So did Friday.

"We are very sorry." the ambulance workers said.  
"And I am sorry, too." Mr. Poe said, "But I really need to get Carmelita to the cops!"  
"It wasn't her fault!" Quigley said, "It was all a big-"  
"Why are you even on my side, cakesniffer?!" Carmelita screamed, "I'm sure you wanted this!"  
"Why would I want this?" Quigley cried.  
"Besides" Carmelita said, "You should take Friday, not me. It's her who's an orphan now."

This made Friday cry even more.

"Friday will live with me!" Olivia said, "That's very much unwritten!"

She hugged her niece tightly. Mr. Poe dragged Carmelita away. And all the other children... just hugged each other.

They weren't sure if this was an accident or not.


	14. Knocked candles

It was a couple of days after Mirandas funeral. Everyone was at Olivia's and now also Friday's house. Seriously, everyone. Every child who lived with Kit, Kit herself, Lemony, Josephine... even Carmelita.

  
"It feels so unreal." Friday said, "I just wished I could talk to my mother again."  
"I wish I could talk to my parents again." Violet sighed, and all the others nodded.  
"You know." Olivia said, "Maybe you can."

Everyone looked up and stared at her.

"Now?" Sunny asked, which meant "But we haven't done anything else yet! The chapter is going to be short!"  
"How do you know that?" Olivia asked, "We just started."

Everyone shared looks and shrugged. And now the author stopped breaking the fourth wall before she turned herself into some tween from 2007 who interacted with all the characters in the fic constantly.

"Come up to my attic." Olivia said, "And we can speak to spirits!"  
"Uh, what?" Duncan sqeaked.  
"We can speak to spirits! To your dead parents! Come on!"  
"If you're going to do that." Kit said, "Then I can stay here with Sunny, Beatrice and Friday. They are too small to speak to spirits."  
"And we aren't?" Duncan asked nervously.  
"I'll sit next to you." Klaus assured him, "You will be fine."

He kissed his nervous boyfriend, and walked up with him together with their siblings, and of course Fiona and Carmelita.

"I'm keeping an eye on you." Carmelita whispered.  
"What's her problem?" Isadora asked.  
"Carmelita suspects us." Violet said. She didn't have to say anything else. Isadora just nodded, grabbed her two girlsfriends by their hands and walked up to the attic.

"Alright." Olivia said when everyone had gathered up in her attic. "Now when everyone is here, we need to light three candles and position ourselves in a circle."  
"Is that really how you gather spirits?" Violet asked.  
"That's how you gather spirits in my attic." Olivia explained. "Now, who's got the matches?"  
"I got them!" Josephine announced, "It would be too dangerous if the children would take them!"

The children, including Carmelita, rolled their eyes at Josephine. She frowned at them while lighting the candles. Quigley, Violet, Isadora and Fiona cuddled together, and so did Klaus and Duncan. Carmelita felt like the third and fifth wheel at the same time, and sat in the back. She also sat in the back for another reason... a reason she was not sure was neccessary. Not right now, atleast...

"We have to be very quiet when i'm summoning the spirits." Olivia said.  
"I was so ready for her to say summoning demons." Isadora commented nervously.  
"Shush, child! I'm concentrating!"

The Baudelaires, Quagmires, Fiona, Carmelita and Josephine sat quietly and stared at Olivia while she seemed to visualise something. They all thought about different things.

Josephine was afraid some of the children would be scared and have nightmares, even if they weren't her responsibility.  
Violet thought about what Carmelita could possibly know that would make her keep an eye on her.  
Klaus thought about how he could protect Duncan if he was scared.  
Quigley thought about what he would do if some of the younger kids downstairs with Kit would eavesdrop on the summoning.  
Isadora thought of ways to make Carmelita not suspicious.  
Duncan thought of ways he could protect Klaus if he was scared.  
Fiona was afraid that Olivia would summon her stepfather.  
Carmelita thought of ways to prepare if someone in front of her did something suspicious.

It was very dark in the attic and only the three candles gave light.

"Spirits!" Olivia suddenly yelled. "I call you... come to me... and play nice!"

Isadora, Fiona and Violet almost snorted at this. They took the summoning seriously, but Olivia sounded so funny when she yelled.

It was quiet for a while more, but then Olivia put her hands together.

"We have a spirit who wants to talk."  
"Who is it?" Klaus asked carefully.

Olivia closed her eyes for a second. Then she said:  
"It's someone who's sorry."  
"Is it my stepfather?" Fiona asked, "Because I do not accept his apology."  
"It's someone else." Olivia said. She glanced at the Quagmire triplets. "Someone who wished she would've said something."  
"Mother?" Duncan asked. He hadn't thought about his mother for a while. So many other things had happened.  
"She accepts you." Olivia continued, "And she loves you."

Duncan grabbed Quigley's hand, who grabbed Isaodra's. The three of them smiled.

"How do you know it's their mother?" Carmelita asked, "And not some random spirit you summoned?"  
"I just know." Olivia groaned.  
"That is a bit freaky." Josephine admitted, shivering.

Olivia continued to search for a spirit who wanted to talk.

"Another one enters." she informed. "Someone who wants to thank you for taking care of her mansion."  
"Duchess of Winnipeg!" Isadora exclaimed.  
"Does she know who poisoned her tea?" Carmelita asked.  
"No." Olivia said sternly, but still closed her eyes for a pause. "But she knew the poisoned tea wasn't for her."  
"Then who has it for?"  
"...she believed it was for someone despised by the majority."

Everyone went silent. They all knew very well who that would be.

After another silent moment, Olivia herself screamed.

"What is it?" Josephine asked and checked if any of the children were startled.  
"My brother!" Olivia exclaimed, "My brother wants to talk!"  
"Thursday Caliban!" Quigley commented.  
"Shush! I want to hear my brother communicate."

Everyone stared with interest at Olivia.

"Thursday says he is glad to reunite with his wife... and that Jacques misses me, aw!"

Carmelita frowned.

"Olivia." she said slowly, "Do you think the spirits know where Esmé went?"  
"I thought Esmé died?" Quigley said.  
"No, don't you remember? She just went missing!"  
"Oh- she did?"  
"Yes!"

None of them noticed that Olivia glared at them.

"You're interrupting my talk with my dead brother." she said. "And for your information, Carmelita, they don't mention anything about Esmé. Hence, they don't know or they don't want to talk about it."

Carmelita looked down on the floor.

"Now Thursday says goodbye, because he wants me to talk to another person... it's- it's Bertrand! Bertrand Baudelaire!"

Violet and Klaus focused more than everyone else.

"Tell our father we miss him." Klaus said.

Olivia was quiet for a while, until she stared at Violet, Isadora or Quigley. It wasn't clear who. 

"You..." she said.  
"Me?" the three children mentioned above asked.  
"Bertrand's getting interrupted by some disturbance!" Olivia explained.  
"Is that bad? Josephine asked.  
"Bertrand's trying to resist not to get interrupted!"

Carmelita lit up.

"Quick, ask him who shot him!"  
"Camelita, didn't you get arrested or something last chapter?" Fiona growled. Carmelita didn't respond to that.  
"Bertrand...!" Olivia exclaimed. "Oh no."  
"What do you mean by 'oh no'?" Violet asked nervously.

Olivia seemed to gulp. 

"Captian Widdershins interrupted Bertrand to talk. When spirits interrupt, it's most often something negative."

The whole attic suddenly felt cramped and the air got thicker. Everyone, especially Fiona, felt very uneasy.

Olivia went silent once again. Fiona was placing her head on her knees and didn't want to look up.

"Captain Widdershins says he knows everything." Olivia said with an oddly cracked voice.  
"E-everything?" Isadora asked.  
"Why are you so frightened, Isadora?" Carmelita asked with a smirk.  
"She is frightened because Widdershit is haunting us!" Quigley protested.  
"Captain Widdershins says he knows the ones responsible for the murders at Winnipeg!" Olivia whimpered.  
"And who is it?" Carmelita asked.  
"It's... it's..."

Suddenly, the three candles fell to the floor. The fire in them didn't go out, which meant the carpet under them started to burn.

"Mother of Zeus!" Josephine exclaimed, stood up, and proceeded to run to a corner of the attic to whimper at the sight.   
"Don't worry!" Olivia said, "Keep calm! We will just stomp out the fire!"  
"Who knocked over the candles?" Carmelita asked.

The fire from the carpet did not stop, and just spread until it found a loose wooden plank that just lied on the attic... it didn't take long for the whole attic to catch fire.

"Josephine!" Olivia screamed, "Get the kids downstairs so they don't breathe in smoke! I will put out the fire!"  
"But Olivia, you need help!"  
"Josephine, get them down now!"

Josephine nodded and tried to drag the children to the door down from the attic.

"We can walk by ourselves!" Duncan yelled. He didn't mean to be rude, he was just panicked.  
"My fucking stepfather!" Fiona growled, "I fucking- I hate-"  
"Fiona, get down!" Olivia ordered, as she stomped on the fire.

All of the children and Josephine ran down from the attic and met Kit and Lemony giving some cookies to Friday, Sunny and Beatrice.

"Did you summon any spirits?" Lemony asked.  
"Yep." Violet said. "And now there is a fire."  
"A fire?" Kit asked worringly.  
"Olivia is putting it out right now." Klaus said.  
"I need to help her!" Lemony exclaimed, "Kids, eat some cookies!"

He ran off to open the attic door. But as he did, he was met by too much smoke for him to see.

"Everyone!" he yelled, "Get outside! Now!"

Kit picked up little Beatrice, while Friday and Sunny picked up the plates of cookies. Everyone else didn't carry anything, and just ran outside.

"Is Aunt Olivia going to be okay?" Friday asked.  
"I hope so." Kit said. "Lemony will help her put out the fire."

The fire had spread much more now. It seemed like it would take a while for Lemony and Olivia to put everything out... if they even did.

Finally, the door broke up, and out ran Lemony with Olivia on his back.

"Olivia!" he yelled as he placed her on the ground. Olivia was unconsious.  
"Oh no!" Kit whimpered. She gave Beatrice to Klaus and ran to investigate.   
"Which one of you knocked the candles on the ground?" Carmelita asked.  
"I think it was my fucking stepfather." Fiona muttered, "He always ruins everything!"  
"But he is a ghost."  
"He could've knocked it over anyway!"  
"I just hope there was no evil spirits that got released now." Violet said.  
"Evil spirits?!" Josephine asked anxiously. "Where?!"

Violet rolled her eyes.

"Anxious women are more likely to attract evil spirits, you know." she said.  
"What!" Josephine yelled. But no one listened to her, as they all were focused on Olivia.

"I think she's dead." Lemony said sadly.

As he said that, Friday bursted out crying.

"All of my family is dead!" she cried.  
"Welcome to the club." Fiona said, and ran to hug Friday. "But hey, it's going to be okay..."  
"No!" Friday cried, "Nothing is going to be okay!"  
"Schh..."

Isadora and Duncan joined the hug.

"Friday." Kit said, "You will be staying with me. You won't be alone."  
"Kit, you can't have all the kids." Lemony said.  
"Yes, I can." Kit said. "Who's gonna stop me?"

It was a sad day. The fire department eventually arrived and put out the fire. They confirmed that Olivia had burned to death. A very tragic death, indeed.  
Just another one down. There aren't many left. And who knows, maybe some evil spirits have followed someone home?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looking forward to all of your "Kit adopts all the children" jokes! Hope you liked the chapter, too!


	15. Evil spirit hunting

It was the day after day of the fire. Everyone in Kit's house huddled together in the living room in silence. Little Beatrice was lying on the floor and tried to turn around from lying on her back to lying on her belly. Sunny tried to show her how to do it.

"Well, atleast there's not any angry spirits that followed us home." Isadora shrugged.

"Well, not in this house, atleast." Fiona noted. "We don't know about Lemony's, or Josephines..."

Kit looked at them. "I haven't heard anything from any of them for the past two days."

She then stared into thin air.

"Fuck."

  
"We don't know if Lemony has been attacked by ghosts." Violet said, as if this was something normal. "Maybe he's just been busy."

"We still need to check!" Kit exclaimed.

She and all the children cramped together in the car to drive to Lemony's place. Kit was freaking out. She knew something was left in the house when the children communicated with the ghosts. Lemony and Josephine was there. Since Lemony was her brother, she of course checked with him first.

"Did you try calling him before?" Duncan asked.

"No!" Kit shouted.

"Then how do you know-"

"Duncan, keep quiet! I'm driving!"

Quigley held on tightly to Beatrice. "Kit, remember that you have a fragile baby in your car, so drive more carefully."

"The fragile baby is Duncan." Klaus said and kissed Duncan.

"No time for romance, we're in a hurry!" Kit yelled.

"Kit." Isadora said slowly. "Kitty. Kitana. Kit-Kat-"

"Get to the point!"

"I just wanted to say that it's always time for romance."

"Especially when you're in a polyamorous relationship." Fiona added.

Kit rolled her eyes. 

  
Finally, they arrived at Lemony's house. Kit rushed out of the car and knocked on the door faster than she had ever knocked on any door in her whole life. Lemony opened and was suprised.

"Kit?" he said, "What's wrong?"

"Are you possessed by an evil spirit?" Kit screamed.

"Not what I think...?"

"But you're not sure?!"

"You can never be sure about anything in this world, Kit-Kat."

"Don't say my full name, Lemony! That doesn't help!"

The children just looked at the adults with a mix of giggles and confusion.

"Why are you asking about evil spirits in the first place?" Lemony asked.

"Because of what happened with Olivia." Kit explained. "I know an evil spirit did it. And I think they followed someone home."

Lemony smiled. "But I haven't noticed anything."

"Are you sure?" Violet asked, also smiling.

"This isn't funny, Violet!" Kit yelled.

Beatrice, who had been sleeping in Quigley's arms, woke up and cried.

"Great, you woke up your own daughter." Quigley groaned.

"I have a question." Friday said. "How do you know people are possessed by evil spirits? Do they have a special way of acting?"

"I don't know, but I don't think they would act like Lemony." Isadora said.

Kit sighed. "Alright. Lemony isn't possessed. But we need to check Josephine."

  
Lemony decided to come with them, mostly because he was amused by thing whole thing, and also because he literally had nothing better to do. He and Kit sat in the front seat while all the kids were cramping together in the back, trying not to be spotted by a police who would ask why the majority of them just lied around without seatbelts.

They parked outside Josephine's house and quickly went to knock on the door. Normally, Josephine would open the door and tell them to not knock on the wood, but this time she just opened with a big smile.

"Oh, hello. Come in, come in."

"...thank you." Fiona said, who immediately knew something was up.

"So, we were just checking how everything is." Kit explained. "And we wanted to ask if something unusual has happened since... you know."

"Nothing has happened!" Josephine said rather quickly. "I'm fine, thank you."

"Interesting." Violet said. "Tell us more."

Josephine seemed to give Violet a big angry look, and then she whispered something.

"Josephine?" Lemony asked.

"Yes, everything is fine!" Josephine shrieked.

"Really?" Sunny said.

"Yes, little rascal."

Josephine never, ever, called Sunny a little rascal before. It made everyone look at her with suspicion.

"Isadora." Josephine said, "The baby you're holding, whose is it?"

"My name is Quigley." Quigley replied with a frown. "And this is Beatrice. You have met her multiple times. She is Kit's daughter."

"Oh, yes! I was only joking!"

"Josephine, there's something we need to ask you." Kit admitted. Then she went silent for a while.

"Ask me?" Josephine answered, "Yes, what is it you want to ask?"

"Well..."

For some reason, Kit couldn't find the right words. It was very easy with Lemony, but for some reason it was very hard with Josephine. Luckily, the children had an easier time.

"She's wondering if this house is possessed by evil spirits." Violet said.

Josephine gasped. "My house? Evil spirits! No!"

"Ok, because you're acting rather strange-"

"Me? Acting strange? Oh, no!"

"Irony." Sunny said, which meant "I may not be the best at the english language, but you maybe did some grammatical errors. Though, i'm not sure, since again, i'm not the best."

Suddenly, Violet stood up. She walked towards Josephine.

"I do wonder how you could be alone on this cliff without being afraid." 

"What do you mean?" Josephine asked.

"You know... it would be very easy for someone to push you out of the cliff. Isn't that what happened with someone at Winnipegs house?"

"Wait, who got pushed off a cliff?" Kit asked. "So many people died there and I was distraught and pregnant so I have forgotten."

"Do you know who it was, Josephine?" Violet asked.

  
Josephine glared at Violet. Then at the other children. Then she just glared into thin air.

"Captain Widdershins, the pleasant and well-meaning man, got pushed off a cliff."

"That's not how most people would describe him." Fiona said, and Josephine gave her a very angry eye.

"How did you know he got pushed off a cliff?" Kit asked.

"And why do you suddenly compliment him?" Lemony added, "I thought you disliked him."

"I was there..." Josephine said.

"Then why didn't you say anything?" Klaus asked, "Was it you who pushed him?"

"No! I would never push such a lovely man off a cliff, you brat!"

Everyone went silent.

"Josephine..." Isadora said carefully. "You don't sound like Josephine."

"Captain Widdershins was pushed by two people." Josephine said, ignoring Isadora. "He... he did nothing wrong."

Violet smirked, and slowly grabbed a knife from the kitchen.

"Why are you grabbing a knife?" Friday asked.

"I was just seeing if Aunt Josephine reacts to it. She does not."

  
Everyone became silent once again.

"I know she's old enough to use a knife." Josephine said.

"Well, you usually say knifes are very dangerous." Klaus said, "You barely use them yourself."

"Yes, well..."

Josephine stared at Violet, and the knife Violet held.

"Do you want to talk?" Violet asked.

"Uhm..." Josephine mumbled. "Sure..."

Violet smirked and followed Josephine into her library. She had the knife with her. Everyone left just stared with confusion.

"What... just happened?" Friday asked.

"We'll see." Fiona shrugged.

  
"So, Josephine..." Violet said, "Or should I call you that."

"What do you mean?" Josephine asked, "I am Josephine Anwhistle."

"And since when does Josephine Anwhistle not tell us to not go anywhere in case we die of some obscure thing?"

"Uh..."

"Since when does Josephine Anwhistle say positive things about Captain Widdershit?"

"Don't call him that!"

"I don't think you are Josephine Anwhistle. You're someone who possesses her."

"What?"

Violet smiled misheviously. "I think you are Captain Widdershins, taking over Josephine's body."

Violet was prepared for Josephine to yell at her, or tell her she's mad. But to her suprise, Josephine grabbed the knife Violet was holding.

"You little shit!" Josephine screamed, "You are too smart for your own good!"

Violet was suprised for a second, but quickly calmed.  
"Don't point a knife at a child. It just takes me to scream and you will be blamed for everything."

"You deserve to be pointed at by a knife. You have done worse things."

"I'm not the only one..."

Both of them glanced at the door at the library, and wondered if anyone was eavesdropping. Probably. It didn't matter anymore.

"The only one who knew how Captain Widdershit died was himself." Violet said slowly.

"He knew." Josephine, who probably was possessed by Widdershit, said. "He knew, and his killers knew."

"Who was his killers?" Violet asked.

"You should know."

"Should I?"

Violet walked forward and grabbed the knife from Josephine's hands.

"What's your whole point of this?"

"Widdershins is seeking revenge." Josephine explained.

"Revenge of his killers?"

"Yes."

"Widdershins does realise he's an asshole and no other one who has died has seeked any kind of revenge?"

Josephine glared at her. She seemed to desperately want the knife she took and Violet took back.

"We can do this the easy way." Violet said, "We can try to get this evil spirit out, or Widdershit will be pushed out by a cliff a second time. Only this time, I will be the one to push."

"Wait, you weren't the one who pushed him?"

"No, it was the other one. I was the one standing next to h-"

Violet didn't have time to say him or her, or whatever word on H she was about to say, because Josephine angrily lifted her up. She then proceeded to speak in a very demonic voice.

"You helped to kill an innocent man! You were there! You probably helped to kill lots of other people too, haven't you! I despise you so much!"

She threw Violet towards the window. The window did crack a bit, but Violet was suprisingly fine. However, the large thump made Kit and Lemony open the door.

"Violet, are you okay?"

Violet stood up and put her left hand behind her head while whining a bit. Then she brought up the knife in her right hand.

"I'm sorry, but it's gotta end this way."

She rushed towards Josephine and jumped onto her. Josephine got so suprised that she backed right onto the window she just threw Violet at. She soon managed to push Violet off, but Violet was fast with getting on her feet.  
She stumbled towards Josephine, obviously being hurt. With a final angry glare, she screamed and stabbed the knife into Josephine's chest.

Josephine screamed, and stumbled backwards. Violet gave her a final push, and soon enough, the window broke and Josephine fell down.

  
Everyone was silent for a minute.

"Violet." Kit finally said, "We have to talk."

Violet turned towards Kit, Lemony and everyone else who witnessed what just went down. Then, she fainted.


	16. The reveals

Violet woke up in the couch at Kit's house. Beatrice was lying on her belly, and everyone was staring at her.

"Violet." Kit said. "We need to talk about what happened at Josephine's."  
"We do?" Violet asked. "Where's my knife?"  
"I won't allow you to have a knife while you're holding my daughter." Kit said strictly.

Violet sighed and looked at the baby lying on her belly. Beatrice drooled on her shirt and just made random baby sounds.

"If you want the knife I can get her." Isadora said.  
"No!" Violet shouted. "I want the baby! I want her!"

Lemony took a deep breath.

"Violet, we have something to ask you."  
"Ask me, then."

Kit and Lemony looked at each other and then back at Violet.

"Violet, were you the killer at Winnipegs mansion?" Kit asked.  
"Well..." Violet replied, without hesitation. "I mean... partly."  
"Partly?" Lemony asked, "So it was more people."  
"Yes."  
"Could you tell us who-"

Lemony couldn't finish that sentence, because someone knocked him and Kit unconsious.

  
Lemony and Kit woke up in a dark room. They were tied to chairs.

"Hello?" Lemony shouted.  
"Where are we?" Kit shouted, "Where are the children?"  
"Oh, we are right here..."

Emerging from the shadows, all the children walked up to the confused Snicket siblings. The Baudelaires, the Quagmires, Fiona, Friday and little Beatrice.

"Where are we?" Kit asked again.  
"You are in the attic of your own home." Quigley explained.  
"Who tied us to these chairs?" Lemony asked.  
"We did." Duncan said. "All of us."

Kit and Lemony looked nervous. 

"Why?" Lemony asked carefully.

All the children, including little Beatrice, started to snicker.

  
"We will explain everything." Violet said. "It started out the first night at Winnipegs mansion."  
"Mom and dad were fighting." Duncan added. "And all I wanted to do was to sleep with Klaus."  
"Sleep with me as sleeping next to me, don't get the wrong ideas." Klaus said awkwardly.  
"We know." Kit said, "You two really begged them."  
"Anyway, I had found some arsenic our car." Isadora explained.

Everyone was quiet as she said that.

"What?" Isadora said, "Is that weird?"

No one replied to her.

"We all thought arsenic would be good to have, in case someone got on our nerves." Quigley said, "And... well, our parents got on our nerves that night. Especially our mom."  
"So we killed our dad with the arsenic." Isadora concluded.

Silence broke out.

"Yeah, we don't really know why it was him we killed." Violet said, "I know that me and Quigley talked in a closet after dinner. I was the one who sneaked the arsenic in his food, and I asked Quigley if that was right, and Quigley said yes. So, yeah."

"Then we move over to the next victim." Fiona said, "Thursday Caliban."  
"I'm still sad about my father." Friday said, "But I know that it's definetly the fault of Captain Widdershit!"

"Wait, did Widdershins kill Thursday?" Kit asked confused.  
"No." Fiona said. "I did."

Everyone looked down on the ground.

"When you live in a submarine, you sometimes encounter some fish under water who you have to kill with poison darts." Fiona explained, "So we brought some poison darts to the mansion, in case we would go fishing or something. Well, this day my stepfather tried to force me to polish his shoes, and I decided that enough was enough. I had kept up with his bullshit for too long, so when I got the chance I threw the dart at him... only that the bastard that he was, he moved just in the right second and it hit Thursday."

"Then it was our mom." Duncan said, "Though, we didn't intentionally kill her... me and Isadora just wanted to tell her we were gay, because that woman didn't understand that."  
"Widder." Sunny said, which meant "I blame Widdershit for that, because he wasted time with blabbering how she could save herself from choking."  
"Yeah." Klaus agreed, "And after that, it was just a bit manhunt to kill Captain Widdershit."

Lemony and Kit looked like they couldn't believe anything they just heard. But they stayed quiet.

"First, I cracked the code to the place where R had her harpoon gun." Isadora said, "But unfortunately, I hit Beatrice instead of him."  
"Eh?" Beatrice shrieked.  
"No, not you, Bea! The Baudelaires mother. She was also named Beatrice."

"Then it was the tea incident." Violet sighed. "We poison Widdershin's tea. Duncan and Klaus smuggled the poison into the kitchen. But, well... we poured the poison in the tea before we put a sugar cube inside. So... yeah, we accidentally put the sugar cube in the wrong tea, and R got the poisoned tea."

"I shot Bertrand." Duncan admitted. "It was me and Isadora. We were planning to shoot Widdershit in his sleep with a gun. But, well... we woke up the wrong person, and since it was dark, we didn't see who."

"Then, finally!" Violet exclaimed, "Captain Widdershit was dead! Thanks to me..."  
"...and me." Isadora finished. "Fiona couldn't bear to do it herself, so we did it for her as she sat on the roof and watched us. It was so satisfying."

"So your plan was to kill him all along." Lemony said, "Yet, lots of others died after him."  
"Yes..." Klaus said, "We couldn't have anyone suspecting us to be alive."

Kit and Lemony tried to exchange looks, but since they were tied back to back they weren't sure how to.

"I stabbed Esmé." Klaus said. "We were sitting by the fire and doing a celebratory ritual but for finally killing our main victim, but also having quiet minutes for those we had to kill in the process. Esmé came in and I panicked and stabbed her."

"I killed Jacques." Duncan admitted and looked sadly down at the floor. "I was going to pour water on a homophobic jerk at the store, but I got the wrong person, and... well, Jacques to electrocuted."

"I feel like you all killed people by accident a lot." Kit commented. The children nodded.

"Then it was Montgomery and Fernald..." Fiona said, "But none of us had nothing to do with any of them... "

"Jerome Squalor, though." Quigley said. "Oh, boy..."  
"Yeah, what exactly happened with him?" Kit asked.  
"I tied his shoelaces to the fan..." Quigley said awkwardly.  
"And why did you do that?"  
"It turns out his machine to make people take out agression only made me more agressive."

"Now, we come to Miranda." Fiona said, and sighed. "Honestly? That was Carmelita's fault."  
"No, it was my fault." Quigley said.  
"No, it was Carmelita who insisted on steering."  
"It was chaos." Violet said. 

"Anyway, you two should know the rest." Isadora said. "Evil spirits made Olivia's house burn, then Josephine got possessed and Violet killed her in front of you."

There was a silence in the attic once again. Until Kit finally spoke.

"Okay. So what are you going to do now?"   
"We are going to kill you two." Fiona said. "I have some medusoid mycelium I will release in here."  
"That makes sense." Lemony said calmly. "We can't be alive knowing your secrets. It would be too much for us to handle."  
"Excactly." Isadora said, "Glad you two are so understanding."  
"I have lost so many people these past months that I just want it all to be over." Lemony admitted.

Kit looked up at the children. "Can I atleast say goodbye to my daughter?"  
"Of course." Violet said. She held out Beatrice to her mother.

Kit smiled at the little baby.  
"Goodbye, my darling. I love you."

Beatrice giggled and tried to grab Kit's hair.

"Also, Quagmires." Kit said, "I know I told you three who Beatrice's father is. Don't tell anyone else, okay? Except Beatrice, if she asks."  
"We promise." Quigley replied.

And so, one by one they all went down the attic to prepare.

"Goodbye, Snickets!" Friday said. "Thank you for everything!"  
"Ghostfight!" Sunny shrieked, which meant "And good luck with Widdershit in the afterlife!"  
"What if they reborn as our future children." Isadora said. "That would be interesting."  
"I'm dropping the mycelium now!" Fiona said, "Everyone out!"

"Goodbye, children!" the Snickets yelled as their last words.  
"Goodbye, Snickets!" the children answered. Fiona threw the bottle of medusoid mycelium and quickly closed the attic door.

The children sat on the couch for one hour, since that's how long the mycelium was lasting. After not hearing any more coughs, screams or giggles, Fiona, Violet and Quigley grabbed some health masks to cover their faces and went up on the attic to retrieve the corpses.

They later buried them in the garden. All the children were there for a quick funeral. Sunny left some flowers on their graves. Fiona went to her brothers grave, since he also was buried here, and smiled a bit.

"It was a nice goodbye." Quigley said. "I feel pretty satisfied."  
"Yeah..." Isadora said. "But it's not over yet."

Everyone looked at her.

"Right." Violet said, and grabbed a knife. "There is still one more person we have to get rid off."  
"I'll get the gun." Isadora said.   
"And i'll get the syringe if we need it." Duncan said.  
"Friday and Sunny?" Fiona asked, "Would you two be so kind to get the poison darts? We will need everything."  
"And you, Beatrice." Klaus said, "You don't need a weapon, because you will be our distraction."  
"I'll get the shovel." Quigley added.

And so, the children walked out of the house to get rid of their final victim. Someone they were sure would not give up without a fight...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, some of you were probably not suprised at all, and some of you were probably very suprised. Anyways, there's only one chapter left!! Then this badass fic is finished!


	17. The final battle

The children carefully knocked on the door they were searching for. A confused woman opened.

"Hello." Violet said, "Is your daughter Carmelita home?"

"Well, yes." the woman said. "She is in the backyard."

"Thank you, we will find ourselves there." 

They walked around and noticed Carmelita sitting in the backyard just staring into oblivion.

"Carmie!" Sunny cheered.

Carmelita looked like she had seen a ghost. "No... no! Get away!"

"What is it, Carmelita?" Duncan asked. "Are you afraid of children armed with guns, knives, shovels, poison darts and a cute little baby?"

Carmelita picked up a stick and held it in front of them.

"If you come any closer, i'll scream! My parents will call the cops."

"Why would your parents call the cops on some children?" Klaus asked. 

"If you do something to me, they will get suspicious."

"Veronica Sawyer." Sunny shrugged, which meant "We'll just make it look like a suicide."

This is when Carmelita panicked. She threw the stick at them, but Sunny catched it with her teeth. Carmelita got startled, and ran away into the woods behind her house.

"Okay, we planned this." Fiona said. "Klaus, you stay here to write the note. Keep Beatrice, she'll distract the parents in case they come out here."

"I got the knife, Isadora got the gun." Violet said, "Fiona and Friday, you two have the poison darts?"

Friday and Fiona nodded.

"Quigley's got the shovel, and... Duncan, you're holding Sunny?"

"Yep, i'll throw her to bite if needed." Duncan said.

"Great." Violet said. "Let's go!"

The gang started to run after Carmelita, while Klaus was preparing to write a suicide note. Just then, Carmelita's mother came out.

"Where did Carmelita go?" she asked.

"Oh, they are playing hide and seek in the woods." Klaus explained. 

"Did one of the girls have a knife, and another a gun?"

"Yeah, it's only plastic toys." Klaus said. "We like to go all-in."

"I see... oh, who is this little sweetie?"

Beatrice looked up and smiled.

"This is Beatrice." Klaus said, "She is too small to play, so i'm here with her until they came back."

"She's adorable!"

"She is."

"Well, I have to work, but tell me if you need anything."

The other children were hunting Carmelita in the woods.

"Oh, Carmieee..." Isadora said. "Come out and play, it's very okay, most of us are gay."

"Well, if she doesn't come out of hiding after that poem then she is useless." Fiona said.

"If I were Carmelita, where would I be?" Quigley asked.

"I have a question, Quigley." Duncan said, "If we are going to fake Carmelita's suicide, why did you bring the shovel?"

"I'm going to knock her out if necessary." Quigley shrugged.

"Oh, that makes sense."

The children continued to sneak around. 

"She couldn't have gotten far." Violet said. "Or, what do I know. She was basically dressed like Stephanie from Lazytown, and Stephanie is sporty as fuck."

"Time skip?" Sunny asked, which meant "I thought we lived in a time before Lazytown came out?"

"Well, this whole fanfiction is based on that two-part episode of Family Guy where all the characters go to a mansion." Isadora said. "Which was the last good episodes of Family Guy if you ask me."

"I don't care what time it is." Quigley muttered, "We will still live like gothic rich people without cellphones or computers. This is just the author breaking the fourth wall."

"I thought that was only a thing in like, 2007." Fiona said.

"Well, we atleast don't directly interact with the author in the same way." Violet said, and tried to not look at the author who was sitting in her bed writing this. "Come on, we're wasting time."

They continued to walk around.

"Seriously." Quigley said. "Where the fuck did she go?"

"Don't tell me she is supernatural." Isadora said, "Because then I will kiss her out of anger."

Duncan bursted out laughing as she said that. "Isa... you- _what-_"

"Yeah, is that so funny?"

"It is! Kissing someone out of anger, that's-"

"A hateful kiss." Fiona said, "Is that basically like this?"

She walked up to Violet and kissed her very quickly, with her eyes glaring angrily at her.

"I think that was very fine demonstation." Violet said, "I feel hated."

"Aww, don't be, I was just pretending to demonstrate!"

"Kiss me for real to make up."

"With pleasure."

While Fiona and Violet were busy swapping spit, the Quagmire triplets, Friday and Sunny heard something.

Isadora started to aim the gun around. That's when someone screamed and jumped onto her back.

"Aagh!" Isadora shrireked. She fell to the ground.

On her was Carmelita Spats, who had in her panicking moments ran away from the murderous children and climbed a tree. She decided to attack.

"It's my gun now." Carmelita said and grabbed it. She held it in front of everyone.

Duncan knew it was time to think fast, and threw Sunny. Sunny fastened her teeth in Carmelita's left leg. Carmelita screamed and accidentally let out a shot from the gun.

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on who's side you are on, the gunshot didn't hit anyone. Though, it was close to Isadora.

"Carmelita!" Fiona yelled and held up the poison dart. Friday did the same, copying the older children.

"I'll kill all of you!" Carmelita yelled. She shaked her left leg violently to get Sunny off, but Sunny bit her hard. "Fuck, my leg is going to bleed! Let go, you stupid baby!"

"There's more parts of your body who will bleed." Friday said. Right after she said it, she looked up proudly to Violet and Fiona to get their approval. The two girls smiled and nodded at her.

Carmelita needed to grab Sunny with both of her hands to get her off. That meant she had to drop the gun... but she was already in so much pain that she dropped it quickly, to hesitantly grab Sunny and throw her away.

Isadora was quick to capture Sunny, while Carmelita fell to the ground. She was about to pick up the gun again when Quigley tried to hit her with the shovel.

"I wouldn't try that if I were you." he said.

Duncan picked up the gun and aimed it at her. Carmelita looked at her right leg, who started to bleed as Sunny's teeth marks were as visible as ever. She slowly stood up.

"What did I ever do to you?" she groaned.

"You knew all along what we were capable of." Violet said, walking forwards while pointing with her knife. "We can't keep you alive."

"Why didn't you kill me a long time ago if you knew?" Carmelita asked.

"Oh please." Isadora said, "We were far too busy murdering Captain Widdershit."

"Plus, we wanted to stick with adults." Duncan added. "A child killing a child feels more likable than a child killing an adult, you know?"

"But now all the adults who suspected us are gone..." Quigley said.

Carmelita backed a bit. She was obviously afraid, but she wanted to be strong.

"You won't k-kill me so easily."

"We know." Violet muttered and rolled her eyes. "That's why we came equipped."

They all pointed their respective weapons at her. Carmelita looked at her bleeding leg, and then back up. She was panting.

"Fuck..." she whispered.

"We can to this the easy way." Isadora said in a flirty voice. "We kill you with some of these tools we have, everyone will think you killed yourself, and life goes on."

"What if I run away and promise to never return?" Carmelita asked, with tears.

"No, we don't do that here." Fiona said, "That's illegal."

Carmelita looked in disgust and horror at the children. Then she ran away again.

"Jesus fucking Christ." Violet muttered. "How long is she going to last, she knows we have won already."

"She's a stubborn bitch." Isadora agreed. "But she is cute when she runs."

"Friday, what do you say?" Fiona asked.

Friday nodded, knowing exactly what Fiona meant. She took up the poison dart and aimed it at where Carmelita ran. The dart flew and landed on a tree that Carmelita just managed to run past. Though, it made Carmelita stop and look back in fear, even if she soon started to run again. Fiona threw her dart. It landed right next to Carmelita's right foot, which made Carmelita stop again and almost fall, though she managed to stand up and decided to run in the other direction.

Violet, Isadora and Quigley exchanged nods. They decided to run in three different directions to circle Carmelita.

Carmelita was getting tired from running. She just wanted to rest. Her leg hurt like crazy. She was getting dizzy. 

Someone was in front of her in all directions. She eventually stopped. She was so tired. Tears were running down her face.

"You might just give up." Isadora said. 

"What if..." Carmelita sniffed, "What if I join you and kill people?"

"No." Duncan said.

"Yeah, we're sorry." Violet said, "But we just don't kill you because you know about us. It's also because you're pretty annoying and the most spoiled brat we ever met."

Carmelita glared at them.

"You're still very cute, though." Isadora said. She held up the gun. "Any last words?"

Carmelita cried. She shook her head, but every so often she nodded, as if she didn't know what she felt.

Isadora held out the gun to Friday. "Would you like to do it, sweetie? I have already killed plenty."

"Okay!" Friday cheered, and happily grabbed the gun.

Carmelita just stood there. Isadora slowly walked up to her. She grabbed Carmelita and kissed her softly.

"Sorry, I just had to."

She then pulled away and gestured at Friday to shoot.

"Say hi to our parents for us." Isadora said as a final sentence. Everyone in the woods waved goodbye as Friday pulled the trigger and shot Carmelita.

"How did it go?" Klaus asked. He and Beatrice had just finished taping the suicide note onto the shed in the Spats backyard.

"Pretty good, in the end." Fiona said. "What did the suicide note say?"

"We don't have time to read it now." Klaus said, "We gotta scram. But it basically said she felt so lonely and we were over here just to say a final goodbye, and she killed herself in the woods."

The children ran pretty far from the house before anyone saw before they started to talk again. 

"Will her parents investigate any further, you think?" Violet asked.

"Well, I put a sharp stick in her chest after Friday shot her." Fiona shrugged, "Her parents will think she impaled herself."

"You got to shoot her?" Klaus asked amazed, "That's so cool!"

"Yeah!" Friday exclaimed proudly.

"Also, her parents were neglecting as fuck." Duncan said sadly. "She's happier now, I hope."

Beatrice opened her mouth, and said her first word.

"Pizza?"

Everyone laughed.

"Yes, Beatrice." Klaus said. "Let's go for pizza. Our job is done."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this whole fanfiction is legit based on the two-part episode in Family Guy when people get murdered at a mansion. Not "Clue" or "We have always lived in a castle", like many people said it reminded them of (I haven't even read or seen any of those two! Though, they sound interesting and I may do it). Nope, it was fucking Family Guy, lol.
> 
> Thank you all for following this crazy fanfic! It has been a real diamond to write.


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